In these gloomy times when we’re all locked down to limit our chances of dying, no real end in sight and Christmas on the horizon, I felt that my annual Christmas offering this year needed to be topical, so here it is.
I’ve based it around a Christmas song that you don’t here played much, most likely due to the reluctance to pay royalties to a convicted paedophile, Gary Glitter. So I’ve taken “Another rock ‘n’ roll Christmas” and hacked it about a bit.
It’s a catchy little song. The lyrics are infectious and with the right exposure, this one could go viral { groan }
Available now on all the best digital streaming and download sites, Happy Christmas!
Every year now for several years, I’ve produced a (hopefully) humorous Christmas song. This year, it’s an adaptation of the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. It’s a good song – the original, I mean – so hopefully I’ve not desecrated it too much!
Here it is with a video by my good friend Dioclese :
I’ve had too much to drink
I’ve thrown up in the sink
The party’s over and
They’ve all gone home
The Christmas spirit’s gone
And so’s the beer and wine
We had a smashing time
I least I think we did
The ads on telly
All try to tell me
It’s a time for giving
And not for holding back
I need to spend and spend
And I’ll feel better then
But the shops are full of tat
And I’ve had enough of that
I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
I wish we pulled the plug
On Christmas time
Thank God that’s it’s Christmas
For only one day
Though it goes on forever
Or that’s how it seems
It starts in September
Goes all through December
It peaks in November
With Black Friday week
There’s beer in my belly
The flat’s rank and smelly
There’s fuck all on telly
But loads of old crap
It’s after the party
I’m bloated and farty
The place smells of vomit
And stale cigarettes
I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
I wish we could call time
On Christmas Day
It’s great when it’s over
We’re glad when it’s done
We can all stop pretending
That we’re having fun
The new year is coming
We’re on our last legs
As we look forward to Easter
And Cadbury’s Cream Eggs
There’s wine on the carpets
And beer on the chairs
And someone’s thrown up
On the foot of the stairs
There’s a man with a hammer
Going nuts in my head
And I found someone’s knickers
When I went to bed
I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
It’s time we pulled the plug
On Christmas time
And when September comes
We start it all again
It’s such a waste of time
It really is a crime…
It’s the bleat of the decade : “Woe is me! I’m really, really upset that people can’t see things my way!” and you hear it all the time, so I thought why not write a song to celebrate the outstanding qualities of the entitlement generation? Not, of course, that they actually seem to have any – but I’d never say that because I wouldn’t want to upset them!
So here it is : “Snowflake”, a song for the millennials. I don’t expect they’ll want to buy it, but never mind.
I like things the way that I like them
I like folk to do what I say
It really upsets me
When people neglect me
Or don’t let me have my own way
The people who think the way I do
Are always invariably right
I’m having my say
So move out of the way
While I throw my toys out the pram
‘cos I’m just a snowflake
I’m thin on the ground
I’m just a snowflake
I don’t hang around
I melt in the sun
It isn’t much fun
I’m there for a minute then gone
I don’t care if I am outnumbered
I don’t care if you disagree
It’s my human right
To put up a fight
‘Cos you’re not important like me
I’m out on the street with my banner
I’m chanting along with the rest
I know what I want
And I want it right now
I don’t care if you think I’m a pest
I can’t see why you have a problem
For me it’s quite easy to see
I’m easily offended
When I feel up ended
‘Cos you’re not agreeing with me
I’m really a sensitive person
I’m really a delicate thing
I damage quite easy
And I feel very queasy
When things are not going my way
Yes, I’m just a snowflake
A delicate thing
I’m just a snowflake
My skin’s really thin
I know I’m a pain
But one drop of rain
Is all that it takes and I’m gone
It’s a sad fact that I’ve always found Christmas music rather irritating so every year I get together with my good friend Dioclese and we trash a well known piece of Christmas music. This year is no exception.
Each year is a new challenge. Last year we murdered Band Aid. Dire Straits and Cliff Richard have passed through the cross hairs for a good slaughtering. Nothing is sacred.
So this year it’s Noddy Holder’s tonsils and good ol’ Slade that get our own special treatment. To be fair to Noddy even he once said that he didn’t like the song but it did get him a lot of royalties. Good luck to him – and he can have half of the money I get for this version if he’s feeling hard up. It’s available as a single on all good digital outlets so feel free to buy it and play it at your party ‘cos I need the money!
Enjoy the mayhem and try not to take it too seriously. Here’s the lyrics :
Christmas time is coming round again
Peace on earth and good will to all men
There’s loads of Christmas musak
And the shops are full of tat
By Halloween we’d had enough of that
So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets longer every year
It’s just turned September and
It’s only just begun
Are you dreading Christmas morning with your mum
And you single parent sister’s chavy son
Are you reaching for the twiglets
Do you swill them down with beer
Is the day you’ve always hated finally here
So here it is bloody Christmas
It isn’t any fun
Don’t get your hopes up
It’s only just begun
And the thing that makes your day complete
Is routing in the quality street
Looking for the toffee sweet
The one they’ve taken out this year
Aggghhh!
Did the children get you up at four o’clock
Did they like the Christmas presents that they got
Did your son ask where’s my Xbox
And your daughter where’s my bike
We were good all year and all we got was shite
So here it is bloody Christmas
Let’s pretend we’re having fun
Wishing it was over when
It’s only just begun
So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets right on your tits
Better make the most of it
It’s only just begun
So here it is bloody Christmas
You’re wishing it was done
No bloody chance mate!
It’s only just begun
So here it is bloody Christmas
A fate that’s worse than death
It’s even worse than last year and
It’s only just begun
And here’s a few verses that didn’t make the cut :
Are your kiddies being a right pain in the arse
Are you thinking that the whole damn thing’s a farce
Are you munching on the chocolates
While your wife does all the work
Can you find excuses not to go to church
Did you stuff your face with Turkey till you popped
Are you praying that the whole damn thing will stop
There’s rubbish on the telly
And the kids are being a pain
Next year we can do it all again
Just once in a while you come across somebody who is just so far up his own backside and stuffed full of his own self importance that you just have to play it out of your system. That’s why I wrote this song!
Here’s the lyrics :
Anyone can see that you’re not as good as me
What makes you think that you should be?
Some of us deserve the best things in life
It’s simply not you – it’s me!
I’m naturally superior
It’s just the way it is
Naturally superior
Breeding gives me the edge
Naturally superior
Anyone can see
Naturally superior
You’re not as good as me!
Some of us are leaders, others follow on
We know what’s best for you
Some of you aren’t able to think for yourselves
So we’ll tell you what to do
Some of us have taste, some of us have none
That’s the difference between me and you
It’s not that I want it that way
It’s just the way it is
Naturally superior
I got the silver spoon
Naturally superior
You got the short straw I got the long
Naturally superior
It’s obvious to me
Naturally superior
You’re not important like me!
Natural selection
It’s Darwinian fact
Breeding makes a difference
It’s something I’ve got
That the rest of you lack
I drive a Bentley, you drive a Ford
I’ve got lots of stuff that you can’t afford
I know my place in the scheme of things
It’s important that you do too
I eat at the Ritz on a silver service
You eat McDonalds on a cardboard plate
I go to the opera while you watch TV
That’s why you’re not as good as me
It’s that time of year again when I get together with my good friend Dioclese to produce our Christmas Song. It’s become a bit of a Christmas tradition after all these years.
This year, I decided to bastardise Band Aid. After all, they made a lot of money with this song so why shouldn’t I? You never know – it could make the Christmas number one!
Merry Christmas to you all and thanks for listening.
We sitting round
In the burning sun
It that time
When de white man come
And he give us lots of money
So we never have to work
And dat is how we know
It Christmas time
So spare a thought
For de poor white man
Who has to work
Work hard doing what he can
To earn an honest living
Wishing he could be like me
Hanging out and chillin’
And drinking ice cold beer
Sitting in de sunshine
Underneath a shady tree
Knowing it will soon
Be Christmas time
And we won’t be going short ‘round here dis Christmas
‘Cos there’s loads of stuff arriving every day
And the trucks dey keep on coming
And de dosh keep rolling in
It’s Christmas time
There’s plenty for us all
Sitting round drinking beer and having fun
Lazing round underneath de burning sun
It’s Christmas time
That time we do fuck all!
Send the money!
We don’t care – it’s Christmas time
Truck de food in!
Save us working in de fields
Send de workers!
Build us houses, build us schools
Keep it coming!
We t’ink you’re a load of fools
Life is easy!
That’s how we know it Christmas time
Bugger working!
Just wait round for Christmas time
Oh no – it Lenny Henry!
I’ve recently been uploading a lot of my albums onto various digital distribution sites such as Amazon, Spotify, iTunes and Google Play but it occurred to me that there’s a bit of my earlier stuff that’s never been released or blogged – especially some of the humorous stuff.
So I decided to add a new album called “Funny Old Life”. The cover is shown above and hopefully by the time you read this it’ll be winging it’s way onto those sites so you can listen to it there.
Here’s the track list :
01 – Small Town Man (live)
02 – The Family Tree
03 – Global Warming – The Ecology Song (live)
04 – Ratshitter Rap (The Benedict Song)
05 – Mid Life Crisis
06 – Salad & Fish (live)
07 – Superinjunction
08 – Eurotrash
09 – Rusty Springbox
10 – Ratshitter II – The Resignation
11 – Sea Cloud Blues (live)
12 – The Memoirs Group
13 – The Repeal Bill Song (live)
14 – The Christmas Song (live)
15 – The Polar Bear Song
16 – Shit Christmas
My good friend Dioclese went off on a another jaunt – this time to Australia where he spent some time in the red centre at Alice Springs and Ayres Rock.
Seems he wasn’t too impressed with Alice Springs. Flew in, flew out. look at the Rock, drove back for 5 hours and then got a train to Darwin. For all you people reading this that live in Australia, I’m sorry but the whinge was so good that I put it to music and he’s supplied the video.
Enjoy it. It’s only a bit of a laugh!
Alice Blues
Nothing to do
I got those Alice Blues
Alice Blues
One horse town
Got the Alice Blues
Middle of nowhere
Nothing to do
Got those Alice Blues
Blazing sun
Not much fun
Got the Alice Blues
Hanging around
Killing time
Got the Alice Blues
Leaving soon
Can’t be too soon
Got the Alice Blues
Lots of dust
Gets everywhere
Got the Alice Blues
Best seen
From the top of a hill
Got the Alice Blues
Don’t look so good
Right up close
Got those Alice Blues
Flew in Monday
Out the same day
Ain’t no reason
For me to stay
Only thing
That worries me
Gotta come back
The same damn way
Out to the Rock
Then back again
Got the Alice Blues
No other reason
For coming here
Got the Alice Blues
Won’t be back
Anytime soon
Got the Alice Blues
Ice cold in Alice
No damn way
Got the Alice Blues
Long way away
And I like it that way
Got the Alice Blues
Ain’t no place
Like a town like Alice
Got the Alice Blues
So damn hot
It’s only the flies that move
Everybody got those Alice Blues
This is the last song off ‘Unplugged’ and the only original recording on the album. It’s about sex.
There – that got your attention didn’t it?
Here’s the lyrics :
Screwing with the lights on can be quite fun
But when they’re off you can pretend you’re anyone
We turned them off and we chose a different lover
But then my willy got tangled in the covers
Sometimes it seemed that things moved too fast
Then a bedspring broke and it pranged me in the arse
We rolled too far and we fell out of bed
I landed on top of her and broke her leg
Up and down
Round and round
Right side up
Or upside down
In and out
Shake it about
Her on top
Or underneath
Hide the sausage is the name of the game
But conventional sex can be really tame
We tried it on the staircase, we tried it in the car
But underneath the covers is more comfy by far
We tried lots of sex aids we bought on the net
There’s some we haven’t used or even figured out yet
They say that necessity’s the mother of invention
But faffing with this stuff was never our intention
Rumpy pumpy
Feeling grumpy
Getting some
Or maybe not
Standing up
Sitting down
Get stuck in and
Let’s go to town
We used to do it once a night but now we’re lucky if it’s once a week
It’s no problem, it’s alright. My sexual proclivity is past its peak
It’s not that I’m tired of my choice of lover
Just that we’d rather sleep underneath the covers
Tried of sex
Whatever’s next?
Much too tired
Feeling vexed
Slap and tickle
Bump and grind
Is overrated
You will find
Now here’s one that goes back a bit. I originally released it back in 2011 and it’s a comic song about where I live. Actually, every word is true so it’s really not that comic.
There’s a bit of a story behind it. My mate Dioclese does my videos for me and he had a mate that was being driven mad by his fellow townspeople, so they started up a blog together called Smalltown Man. To cut a long story short, the guy got a lot of stick and quit but Dioclese incorporated the blog into own his to keep the theme going.
It was already an accoustic number so I’m not sure why I redid it really. My other half reckons the original is superior. Either way, I still think it’s one of my better songs.
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