Category Archives: Pop

Snowflake

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It’s the bleat of the decade : “Woe is me! I’m really, really upset that people can’t see things my way!” and you hear it all the time, so I thought why not write a song to celebrate the outstanding qualities of the entitlement generation? Not, of course, that they actually seem to have any – but I’d never say that because I wouldn’t want to upset them!

So here it is : “Snowflake”, a song for the millennials. I don’t expect they’ll want to buy it, but never mind.


I like things the way that I like them
I like folk to do what I say
It really upsets me
When people neglect me
Or don’t let me have my own way
The people who think the way I do
Are always invariably right
I’m having my say
So move out of the way
While I throw my toys out the pram

‘cos I’m just a snowflake
I’m thin on the ground
I’m just a snowflake
I don’t hang around
I melt in the sun
It isn’t much fun
I’m there for a minute then gone

I don’t care if I am outnumbered
I don’t care if you disagree
It’s my human right
To put up a fight
‘Cos you’re not important like me
I’m out on the street with my banner
I’m chanting along with the rest
I know what I want
And I want it right now
I don’t care if you think I’m a pest

I can’t see why you have a problem
For me it’s quite easy to see
I’m easily offended
When I feel up ended
‘Cos you’re not agreeing with me
I’m really a sensitive person
I’m really a delicate thing
I damage quite easy
And I feel very queasy
When things are not going my way

Yes, I’m just a snowflake
A delicate thing
I’m just a snowflake
My skin’s really thin
I know I’m a pain
But one drop of rain
Is all that it takes and I’m gone

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Filed under Blues, Humour, Pop

This is what we find

I was at a wine society meeting a few weeks back when a friend reminded me of an old track by Ian Dury and the Blockheads with an interesting lyric as Ian’s stuff often was.

This isn’t a cover version of that track, but the title was nicked from Ian and the style might be considered somewhat of a homage? Anyhow, it’s my first new track of 2017 so I hope you enjoy it.

As an aside, I used to use Dropbox to host my music files, but they’re changing their system and the HTML used on this site to play stuff no longer works with their new file names. Thanks guys. As a result, I’ve had to rewrite the entire site. Thanks again guys.

The new player takes a little longer to load than the old one. Sorry about that but at least it works.


I knew a man whose given name was Roger
Who like to treat the girlies with his todger
He thought it would be fine
If he tried it on with mine
‘til I caught ‘em in a threesome with his lodger
I thought ‘What shall I do?’
But I had some four by two
So I introduced it to his head one night
This is what we find

You should never trust a wide boy with your money
He’ll sure as hell be up to something funny
And if you sit him down
And ask him what he’s doing
He’ll simply give you loads and loads of bunny
He’ll think it’s really funny
That he’s spending all your money
Whatever happens he will be just fine
This is what we find

You should never try to teach a pig to fly
You should never try to teach that pig to sing
Now matter how you try
That pig will never fly
And I’m about to tell you one more simple thing
You can’t trust a politician
Even though you’re wishing
It’s your interests that he’s got close to his heart
That pig will not grow wings
And it’s never going to sing
This is what we find
It’s annoys the pig and takes up all your time
This is what we find
But you can open up your mind
To all sorts of crazy things
This is what we find
Remember this, my friend
Now we’re coming to the end
This is what we find

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Filed under Pop, Punk

Merry Bloody Christmas

It’s a sad fact that I’ve always found Christmas music rather irritating so every year I get together with my good friend Dioclese and we trash a well known piece of Christmas music. This year is no exception.

Each year is a new challenge. Last year we murdered Band Aid. Dire Straits and Cliff Richard have passed through the cross hairs for a good slaughtering. Nothing is sacred.

So this year it’s Noddy Holder’s tonsils and good ol’ Slade that get our own special treatment. To be fair to Noddy even he once said that he didn’t like the song but it did get him a lot of royalties. Good luck to him – and he can have half of the money I get for this version if he’s feeling hard up. It’s available as a single on all good digital outlets so feel free to buy it and play it at your party ‘cos I need the money!

Enjoy the mayhem and try not to take it too seriously. Here’s the lyrics :

Christmas time is coming round again
Peace on earth and good will to all men
There’s loads of Christmas musak
And the shops are full of tat
By Halloween we’d had enough of that

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets longer every year
It’s just turned September and
It’s only just begun

Are you dreading Christmas morning with your mum
And you single parent sister’s chavy son
Are you reaching for the twiglets
Do you swill them down with beer
Is the day you’ve always hated finally here

So here it is bloody Christmas
It isn’t any fun
Don’t get your hopes up
It’s only just begun

And the thing that makes your day complete
Is routing in the quality street
Looking for the toffee sweet
The one they’ve taken out this year
Aggghhh!

Did the children get you up at four o’clock
Did they like the Christmas presents that they got
Did your son ask where’s my Xbox
And your daughter where’s my bike
We were good all year and all we got was shite

So here it is bloody Christmas
Let’s pretend we’re having fun
Wishing it was over when
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets right on your tits
Better make the most of it
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
You’re wishing it was done
No bloody chance mate!
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
A fate that’s worse than death
It’s even worse than last year and
It’s only just begun

And here’s a few verses that didn’t make the cut :

Are your kiddies being a right pain in the arse
Are you thinking that the whole damn thing’s a farce
Are you munching on the chocolates
While your wife does all the work
Can you find excuses not to go to church

Did you stuff your face with Turkey till you popped
Are you praying that the whole damn thing will stop
There’s rubbish on the telly
And the kids are being a pain
Next year we can do it all again

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Filed under Humour, Pop

My Fascinating Facebook Friend

Frankly I’m not a big fan of Facebook.

For some reason, people follow this site using Facebook and I’ve never really understood way they don’t just read the blog. And what’s the fascination about publishing every little details of your life on line? You’re not that interesting.

Anyhow this is the final track of the Greybeard album. I nearly didn’t include it and then somebody left me a nasty message on Facebook, so I thought “Bugger It!” and here it is

There’s nothing interesting ‘bout the life you lead
Why do you share it? What is it you need?
There’s nothing that you’re writing that I would want to read
I haven’t got the time to waste to worry about you
You’re not that fascinating – I’ve better things to do

Stop filling up your Facebook with your so called friends
You’re really really boring and you’re never gonna trend
Stop putting out that rubbish to tell us what you do
You’re not that clever – I couldn’t give a damn!
We don’t need you to tell us every time that you take a poo

I don’t wanna read your facebook – be your friend to you
I’d rather pluck my eyes out than follow you
I really have to tell you tho’ you’ll think that I’m being mean
Your writing style is rotten, maybe Twitter’s more your scene
You’re filling up my home page with all your lousy dross

I have got news for you – you’re a sad little twat
There’s nothing that you say or do that means a lot
I know that you think we’re hanging on every little word
It don’t revolve round you and your fascinating stuff
There’s a great big world around us – funnily enough

There’s nothing interesting ‘bout the life you lead
Why do you share it? What is it you need?
There’s nothing that you’re writing I would want to read
There’s nothing that you’re doing I want to see

There’s nothing that you’re doing I want to see
I haven’t got the time to waste to worry about you
You’re not that fascinating – I’ve better things to do

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Filed under Blues, Latin, Pop

Moan Moan Moan

Here’s another Dioclese video, this time about people who never stop complaining. We got a bit of stick last week for complaining about Alice Springs so we thought we’d redress the balance with a song about moaning.

Dio tells me there were a couple on the boat on his Aus trip who never stopped complaining. They were Australians!

This song is dedicated to them. Thanks for the inspiration.

Nobody likes a whinger
Why can’t you take the hint
Just cheer up and crack a smile
Don’t be sour faced bint
Be happy – it’ll make a change
Radiate sunshine and turn off the rain
Turn your life round for the better
Stop being such a miserable sod

Moan moan moan
That’s why you’re on your own
Moan moan moan
It’s never ending
Moan moan moan
You’re becoming a pest!

There’s no point in moaning
Complaining will get you nowhere
Especially if you’re deluding yourself
There’s people out there that care
Get the message – no-one’s listening
They don’t give a toss what you think
It’s just that their standards are lower than your’s
Look at how low they can sink

Moan moan moan
Nobody likes a whinger
Moan moan moan
Can’t you give it a rest?
Moan moan moan

The summer’s too hot
The winter’s too cold
Why are there people
Who just won’t be told
The bed is too hard
The chair is too soft
The light is too bright
And my food is cold

Moan moan moan
You’re going on and on
Moan moan moan
Can’t you give it a rest?
Moan moan moan
You’re becoming a pest!

The food in this restaurant
Is simply not up to scratch
The seats too hard – I can’t see the stage
That man is too tall – he should take off his hat
There’s nothing on telly worth watching
The shops are full of old tat
It’s not like it was in the old days
Why can’t it more like that

Moan moan moan
The movies too long
Moan moan moan
That song is too short
Moan moan moan
The air con’s too cold
Moan moan moan
The heating’s too hot
It’s all unacceptable
Why won’t you be told?
Just give it a rest!

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Filed under Pop, Rock

Take It Easy

Here’s the final track off the ‘New Tricks’ album and the page is set up for covers and trak listings so feel free to help yourself.

A lot of this album has been about me letting off a bit of steam, banging out some rock or getting back to some good old blues, so I thought I’d finish with something a bit different; something mellow and laid back.

Let’s take an aeroplane
Jet off to the sun
Let’s just get away from everyone
Don’t need the hassle
Don’t need the pain
Lie in the sun and release that strain

Take it easy
Kick on back
Take it easy
Feel the sun on our backs
No need to worry
For a week or two
Take it easy

Good conversation
Over a drink
Releases my mind, gives me time to think
Forget the work load
Forget all the stress
Really doesn’t matter if back home is a mess

Take it easy
It’s easy to see
Take it easy
It’s working for me
Get away
And lie in the sun
Just take it easy

Modern living
Is taking its toll
Wears out your body and it wears out your soul
Not that it matters
At the end of the day
There’s time for working and there’s time for play

Take it easy
Find a way
Take it easy
Whatever you say
You feel that stress
Draining away
Take it easy

Take it easy
It’s easy to do
Take it easy
Make it work for you
It’s the only answer
At the end of the day
Take it easy

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Filed under Accoustic, Pop

Aggression

Now that the festive season has been put to bed and we’re back to the good old fashioned season of bad will, here’s a song I wrote about my neighbours who, quite frankly, I could do without most of the time.

I suspect it might be something to do with country life. I blame the inbreeding for the total lack of consideration, bad manners and intractable self-opinionation. Read the lyrics and you might get what I’m talking about!

Thoughtless people are what I hate
Going out drinking and coming in late
Waking me up and puking in the street
A good nights sleep would be a real treat
You let your dogs piss on my lawn
Rev your cars up at the crack of dawn
Saying you hate me so why don’t I move
Giving me the benefit of your verbal abuse

To be honest I’ve had my fill
The disruption is making me ill
Everybody telling you what you should do
Everybody forcing their opinions on you

Your attitude is getting me down
It makes me wonder why I stay in this town
Everyone here thinks they’re better than me
It’s total arrogance as far as I can see
Petty minded with attitudes so small
Why do I bother to listen at all?
Everybody telling me to do what I’m told
Nobody cares about the views I hold

To be honest I’ve had my fill
This disruption is making me ill
Everybody telling me what I should do
Everybody forcing their opinions on you

Mowing the lawn at 7am on Sunday
Going off to work at 5am on Monday
Banging their car doors out on the street
It’s 6am and I need my sleep
Making sure that I don’t get a fun day
I’m always wrong when I do things my way
There’s no way it needs to be this way
But no-one’s listening to anything I say

That’s aggression and I’ve my fill
It’s plain aggression and it’s making me ill
What you think of me is what you think counts
But what I think of you just counts for nowt
Consideration wouldn’t go amiss
Instead of everyone taking the piss
Whatever happened to to a little good will
There’s just aggression and I’ve my fill

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Filed under Pop, Rock