Category Archives: Pop

The Fairytale of Christmas

Every year now for several years, I’ve produced a (hopefully) humorous Christmas song. This year, it’s an adaptation of the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. It’s a good song – the original, I mean – so hopefully I’ve not desecrated it too much!

Here it is with a video by my good friend Dioclese :


I’ve had too much to drink
I’ve thrown up in the sink
The party’s over and
They’ve all gone home
The Christmas spirit’s gone
And so’s the beer and wine
We had a smashing time
I least I think we did

The ads on telly
All try to tell me
It’s a time for giving
And not for holding back
I need to spend and spend
And I’ll feel better then
But the shops are full of tat
And I’ve had enough of that

I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
I wish we pulled the plug
On Christmas time

Thank God that’s it’s Christmas
For only one day
Though it goes on forever
Or that’s how it seems
It starts in September
Goes all through December
It peaks in November
With Black Friday week

There’s beer in my belly
The flat’s rank and smelly
There’s fuck all on telly
But loads of old crap
It’s after the party
I’m bloated and farty
The place smells of vomit
And stale cigarettes

I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
I wish we could call time
On Christmas Day

It’s great when it’s over
We’re glad when it’s done
We can all stop pretending
That we’re having fun
The new year is coming
We’re on our last legs
As we look forward to Easter
And Cadbury’s Cream Eggs

There’s wine on the carpets
And beer on the chairs
And someone’s thrown up
On the foot of the stairs
There’s a man with a hammer
Going nuts in my head
And I found someone’s knickers
When I went to bed

I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
It’s time we pulled the plug
On Christmas time

And when September comes
We start it all again
It’s such a waste of time
It really is a crime…

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Filed under Humour, Pop

Everybody’s After My Money

Do you every have one of those days when you get bombarded with unsolicited junk mail and loads of spam on your email. Or maybe there’s some bloke in Nigeria with $20,000,000 that some rich dictator has salted away he wants you help him launder.

Then just as you feel you’re about to scream, the phone rings and some tosser t trying to ask you about that accident you never had, or the PPI you were mis-sold or, even better, you answer and there’s nobody there at all?

Well, if you’re having one of those days then here’s another track off Cutting Up Rough that was written just for you. Pour yourself a stiff drink, kick back and enjoy!

I get a load of email every single day
Saying life would be much better if I just did things their way
I could settle by instalments or stick on my card
And for such a great improvement it’s a tiny price to pay
The offers are quite tempting it’s sad to have to tell
They’re tailored to my every need and suit me very well
It’s amazing how they seem to know exactly what I need
I suspect that they’ve been plugging into my Twitter feed
Everybody’s after my money
Seems to me that it’s rather funny
Everybody’s after my money

They say that I could lose three stone by eating diet food
But it gives me diahorrea and gets me running to the loo
And then there was this coupon site that promised me cheap booze
So I thought I might give that a try I’ve nothing much to lose
They said a simple survey was all I’d need to give
To unlock lots of coupon codes and save me loads of quids
But after forty pages I was getting pretty bored
And they’re using all the info to flog me even more
Everybody’s after my dosh
All feeding me a load of old tosh
Everybody’s after my money

I get a load of phone calls from a bloke in Bangla Desh
Sometimes there’s no one there at all it’s really quite a mess
The ask me about accidents I’ve never even had
And they say they’ll make a claim for me – it makes me really mad
It seems I could make loads of dosh from missold PPI
It’s a shame I never had some but it’s always worth a try
They say that there’s no win no fee which seems quite odd to me
‘Cos I can’t believe the buggers would do anything for free

I’m always on the lookout for a way to make some lolly
A business opportunity that that doesn’t look too funny
It seems there’s this dictator that’s died somewhere out east
And it all looks very dodgy to say the very least
His widow wants to give be dosh to get in her hod
And she’ll give me a percentage as a sweetener for the job
It’s looking very simple she just needs my bank account
And when she’s got my password she will empty it all out
Everybody’s after my dough
No way they’re gonna get it though
Everybody’s after my money

There’s an offer on my broadband that will give me greater speed
There’s a cheaper car insurance that will meet my every need
There’s sales in every shop I see when I walk out my door
And everyone is telling me that I could save much more
There’s not a price on anything just how much money’s off
And I’ve got a dozen credit cards that pay each other off
They give balance transfers that come with interest free
So I never pay for anything and that sounds good to me
Everybody’s after my money
Welcome to the land of milk and honey
Everybody’s after my money
You know I think it’s kinda funny
That why they’re all giving it their bunny
I ain’t got no money!

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Filed under Blues, Pop, Rock

Move It

OK – I admit it. I like Cliff Richard. I’ve been to see him many times. I was at Wembley Stadium for ‘The Event’, seen him at the Albert Hall, Birmingham NEC and a few other venues.

Recently I went to see him at a somewhat smaller venue. I staggers me how he manages to perform with the energy that he does when he’s well into his 70s.

Anyhow, he’s recently recorded a new version of ‘Move it’ so I thought “I’ll do one too”. Rather arrogantly perhaps, I don’t like the new verse in the 2017 version, so I’ve rewritten it. I’ve also combined the original and 2017 styles mainly because I couldn’t make my mind up!

So here’s my tribute to the indomitable Cliff Richard :

Come on pretty baby, let’s move it and groove it
Well a shake-a baby shake, oh! honey please don’t lose it.
It’s rhythm that “gets you” in your heart and soul
Let me tell you baby; it’s called rock ’n’roll.
They say, it’s gonna die but honey let’s face it;
They just don’t know what’s-a goin’ to replace it.
Ballads’ and calypsos’, they’ve got nothing on
Real country music that drives along.

Come on pretty baby let’s move it an’ a groove it
Dance honey dance baby please don’t lose it
Clicking your fingers and shuffling your feet
Everybody’s dancing to a brand new beat
Gotta get ready ‘cos the times they are a’changing
It’s called rock and roll it’s the music that we’re makin’
Gonna keep rocking til the day I die
Listen to it honey and you’ll soon know why

Honey move it

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Filed under Pop, Rock

Snowflake

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It’s the bleat of the decade : “Woe is me! I’m really, really upset that people can’t see things my way!” and you hear it all the time, so I thought why not write a song to celebrate the outstanding qualities of the entitlement generation? Not, of course, that they actually seem to have any – but I’d never say that because I wouldn’t want to upset them!

So here it is : “Snowflake”, a song for the millennials. I don’t expect they’ll want to buy it, but never mind.


I like things the way that I like them
I like folk to do what I say
It really upsets me
When people neglect me
Or don’t let me have my own way
The people who think the way I do
Are always invariably right
I’m having my say
So move out of the way
While I throw my toys out the pram

‘cos I’m just a snowflake
I’m thin on the ground
I’m just a snowflake
I don’t hang around
I melt in the sun
It isn’t much fun
I’m there for a minute then gone

I don’t care if I am outnumbered
I don’t care if you disagree
It’s my human right
To put up a fight
‘Cos you’re not important like me
I’m out on the street with my banner
I’m chanting along with the rest
I know what I want
And I want it right now
I don’t care if you think I’m a pest

I can’t see why you have a problem
For me it’s quite easy to see
I’m easily offended
When I feel up ended
‘Cos you’re not agreeing with me
I’m really a sensitive person
I’m really a delicate thing
I damage quite easy
And I feel very queasy
When things are not going my way

Yes, I’m just a snowflake
A delicate thing
I’m just a snowflake
My skin’s really thin
I know I’m a pain
But one drop of rain
Is all that it takes and I’m gone

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Filed under Blues, Humour, Pop

This is what we find

I was at a wine society meeting a few weeks back when a friend reminded me of an old track by Ian Dury and the Blockheads with an interesting lyric as Ian’s stuff often was.

This isn’t a cover version of that track, but the title was nicked from Ian and the style might be considered somewhat of a homage? Anyhow, it’s my first new track of 2017 so I hope you enjoy it.

As an aside, I used to use Dropbox to host my music files, but they’re changing their system and the HTML used on this site to play stuff no longer works with their new file names. Thanks guys. As a result, I’ve had to rewrite the entire site. Thanks again guys.

The new player takes a little longer to load than the old one. Sorry about that but at least it works.


I knew a man whose given name was Roger
Who like to treat the girlies with his todger
He thought it would be fine
If he tried it on with mine
‘til I caught ‘em in a threesome with his lodger
I thought ‘What shall I do?’
But I had some four by two
So I introduced it to his head one night
This is what we find

You should never trust a wide boy with your money
He’ll sure as hell be up to something funny
And if you sit him down
And ask him what he’s doing
He’ll simply give you loads and loads of bunny
He’ll think it’s really funny
That he’s spending all your money
Whatever happens he will be just fine
This is what we find

You should never try to teach a pig to fly
You should never try to teach that pig to sing
Now matter how you try
That pig will never fly
And I’m about to tell you one more simple thing
You can’t trust a politician
Even though you’re wishing
It’s your interests that he’s got close to his heart
That pig will not grow wings
And it’s never going to sing
This is what we find
It’s annoys the pig and takes up all your time
This is what we find
But you can open up your mind
To all sorts of crazy things
This is what we find
Remember this, my friend
Now we’re coming to the end
This is what we find

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Filed under Pop, Punk

Merry Bloody Christmas

It’s a sad fact that I’ve always found Christmas music rather irritating so every year I get together with my good friend Dioclese and we trash a well known piece of Christmas music. This year is no exception.

Each year is a new challenge. Last year we murdered Band Aid. Dire Straits and Cliff Richard have passed through the cross hairs for a good slaughtering. Nothing is sacred.

So this year it’s Noddy Holder’s tonsils and good ol’ Slade that get our own special treatment. To be fair to Noddy even he once said that he didn’t like the song but it did get him a lot of royalties. Good luck to him – and he can have half of the money I get for this version if he’s feeling hard up. It’s available as a single on all good digital outlets so feel free to buy it and play it at your party ‘cos I need the money!

Enjoy the mayhem and try not to take it too seriously. Here’s the lyrics :

Christmas time is coming round again
Peace on earth and good will to all men
There’s loads of Christmas musak
And the shops are full of tat
By Halloween we’d had enough of that

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets longer every year
It’s just turned September and
It’s only just begun

Are you dreading Christmas morning with your mum
And you single parent sister’s chavy son
Are you reaching for the twiglets
Do you swill them down with beer
Is the day you’ve always hated finally here

So here it is bloody Christmas
It isn’t any fun
Don’t get your hopes up
It’s only just begun

And the thing that makes your day complete
Is routing in the quality street
Looking for the toffee sweet
The one they’ve taken out this year
Aggghhh!

Did the children get you up at four o’clock
Did they like the Christmas presents that they got
Did your son ask where’s my Xbox
And your daughter where’s my bike
We were good all year and all we got was shite

So here it is bloody Christmas
Let’s pretend we’re having fun
Wishing it was over when
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets right on your tits
Better make the most of it
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
You’re wishing it was done
No bloody chance mate!
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
A fate that’s worse than death
It’s even worse than last year and
It’s only just begun

And here’s a few verses that didn’t make the cut :

Are your kiddies being a right pain in the arse
Are you thinking that the whole damn thing’s a farce
Are you munching on the chocolates
While your wife does all the work
Can you find excuses not to go to church

Did you stuff your face with Turkey till you popped
Are you praying that the whole damn thing will stop
There’s rubbish on the telly
And the kids are being a pain
Next year we can do it all again

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Filed under Humour, Pop

My Fascinating Facebook Friend

Frankly I’m not a big fan of Facebook.

For some reason, people follow this site using Facebook and I’ve never really understood way they don’t just read the blog. And what’s the fascination about publishing every little details of your life on line? You’re not that interesting.

Anyhow this is the final track of the Greybeard album. I nearly didn’t include it and then somebody left me a nasty message on Facebook, so I thought “Bugger It!” and here it is

There’s nothing interesting ‘bout the life you lead
Why do you share it? What is it you need?
There’s nothing that you’re writing that I would want to read
I haven’t got the time to waste to worry about you
You’re not that fascinating – I’ve better things to do

Stop filling up your Facebook with your so called friends
You’re really really boring and you’re never gonna trend
Stop putting out that rubbish to tell us what you do
You’re not that clever – I couldn’t give a damn!
We don’t need you to tell us every time that you take a poo

I don’t wanna read your facebook – be your friend to you
I’d rather pluck my eyes out than follow you
I really have to tell you tho’ you’ll think that I’m being mean
Your writing style is rotten, maybe Twitter’s more your scene
You’re filling up my home page with all your lousy dross

I have got news for you – you’re a sad little twat
There’s nothing that you say or do that means a lot
I know that you think we’re hanging on every little word
It don’t revolve round you and your fascinating stuff
There’s a great big world around us – funnily enough

There’s nothing interesting ‘bout the life you lead
Why do you share it? What is it you need?
There’s nothing that you’re writing I would want to read
There’s nothing that you’re doing I want to see

There’s nothing that you’re doing I want to see
I haven’t got the time to waste to worry about you
You’re not that fascinating – I’ve better things to do

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Filed under Blues, Latin, Pop