Category Archives: Pop

Little Miss Prissy Prissy

If you listened to “You Know What You Can Do” recently then you might well be able to work out that this track off ‘Shooting for Pork’ is inspired by pretty much the same train of thought.

When you live where I do, you’ll find a lot of people who are whiter than white and holier than thou. I have no problem with people’s personal beliefs until they start ramming them down my throat. At that point I just need to play it out of my system.

You toddle off to church like a good girl every Sunday
Then you run off at the mouth when you see me on Monday
You like to dish it out but you sure can’t take it
Are you jealous ‘cos you never really made it

Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
Why do you think that there’s no-else as good as you?
Little miss prissy prissy —- goody goody

You say you’ve never ever been spoken to like that
I really can’t believe it when you’re acting like that
You fake shock and horror when I answer you back
But why did you think that I should tolerate that?

Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
What you gonna do when they don’t wanna know you?
Little miss prissy prissy —- goody goody

What makes you think that you can get away with it?
You talk about equality but really don’t mean it
You’ve led a pure life that’s as white as snow
But you’re huffing and puffing and you’re having a go

Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
What you gonna do when they all turn their back on you?
Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
Why do you think that there’s no-else as good as you?
Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
What you gonna do when they don’t wanna know you?
Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes


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Dog End Day

This was to have been the title track of the new album before I changed the title.

The lyrics come from my old collaborator Tony Groves. I combined bits of two of his writing and added a few bits of my own to make it flow. The result is this happy little ditty. To be fair, Tony and I don’t really do happy, but what the hell!

Powdered milk and dog-end day,
I got no money and I got no pay.
I got no family and I got no wife,
But I got trouble and I got strife.

Smash the buffers or go off the rails
It’s all the same when life’s brake fails
Hit a mountain, crash in the sea
Makes no difference far as I can see

Heart thumps hard, stomach knots,
I count the blessings that I ain’t got.
I live in hope and struggle on through,
It’s what they tell me that I must do.

No more booze is what you’re thinking
All the while you go on drinking
I’ll quit tomorrow is what I say
But tomorrow is another day…

Knock it back to drown that pain,
Knowing it’ll soon come back again
Heart plays rhythm with lots of bass
Misery carved on a careworn face

Skies of lead, grey with gloom
Spinning eyes and spinning room
Reality is where I dwell
Deep within this living hell

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Filed under Blues, Lyrics by Tony Groves, Pop, Rock

Hard Man

A song dedicated to the bloke who threatened to punch my lights out when, after suggesting that I should get off my arse and do some work, got all indignant when I told him to fuck off! I do hope he’s reading this.

You know who you are.

Hard man
Gonna punch my lights out
Hard man
Put me in my place
Hard man
Gonna work me over
Hard man

I’m shaking in my boots
I’m pissing my pants
I’m really really frightened
Should I turn tail?
Or maybe I should tell you
That your threats are gonna fail

Hard man
You talk a good fight
Hard man
What’re you like?
Hard man
Shooting off your mouth
Hard man

I’m really really frightened
You’re such a scary guy
So why am I not running
Ever wondered why?
It’s cos you’re full of bullshit
You talk a good fight

Hard man
You need to calm down
Hard man
Acting like a clown
Hard man
Such a scary bloke
Hard man
You really are a joke
Hard man
Get out of my face
Hard man
Learn to know your place
What you say?
Not such a hard man

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Filed under Pop, Rock

New album released

Click to follow this album on Spotify

I’m pleased to announce that my 18th album “Shooting for Pork” has just been uploaded this morning and will be available on all good digital music sites within the next couple of days – processing permitting, of course. Each store works in it’s own unique and mysterious way!

I’ll release some tracks on this site over the coming weeks whilst work continues on the next album where I have two tracks already in the can.

In the meantime, give it a listen on Spotify – I like their royalty payments and it’s free to the listener. After all, we all have to eat! Actually, thinking about it there might be a song in that…….?

Hope you enjoy listening to it as much as I enjoyed making it!

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Filed under Blues, Pop, Rock

The Fairytale of Christmas

Every year now for several years, I’ve produced a (hopefully) humorous Christmas song. This year, it’s an adaptation of the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. It’s a good song – the original, I mean – so hopefully I’ve not desecrated it too much!

Here it is with a video by my good friend Dioclese :

I’ve had too much to drink
I’ve thrown up in the sink
The party’s over and
They’ve all gone home
The Christmas spirit’s gone
And so’s the beer and wine
We had a smashing time
I least I think we did

The ads on telly
All try to tell me
It’s a time for giving
And not for holding back
I need to spend and spend
And I’ll feel better then
But the shops are full of tat
And I’ve had enough of that

I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
I wish we pulled the plug
On Christmas time

Thank God that’s it’s Christmas
For only one day
Though it goes on forever
Or that’s how it seems
It starts in September
Goes all through December
It peaks in November
With Black Friday week

There’s beer in my belly
The flat’s rank and smelly
There’s fuck all on telly
But loads of old crap
It’s after the party
I’m bloated and farty
The place smells of vomit
And stale cigarettes

I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
I wish we could call time
On Christmas Day

It’s great when it’s over
We’re glad when it’s done
We can all stop pretending
That we’re having fun
The new year is coming
We’re on our last legs
As we look forward to Easter
And Cadbury’s Cream Eggs

There’s wine on the carpets
And beer on the chairs
And someone’s thrown up
On the foot of the stairs
There’s a man with a hammer
Going nuts in my head
And I found someone’s knickers
When I went to bed

I wonder why we do it
It’s the same crap every year
It’s time we pulled the plug
On Christmas time

And when September comes
We start it all again
It’s such a waste of time
It really is a crime…

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Filed under Humour, Pop

Everybody’s After My Money

Do you every have one of those days when you get bombarded with unsolicited junk mail and loads of spam on your email. Or maybe there’s some bloke in Nigeria with $20,000,000 that some rich dictator has salted away he wants you help him launder.

Then just as you feel you’re about to scream, the phone rings and some tosser t trying to ask you about that accident you never had, or the PPI you were mis-sold or, even better, you answer and there’s nobody there at all?

Well, if you’re having one of those days then here’s another track off Cutting Up Rough that was written just for you. Pour yourself a stiff drink, kick back and enjoy!

I get a load of email every single day
Saying life would be much better if I just did things their way
I could settle by instalments or stick on my card
And for such a great improvement it’s a tiny price to pay
The offers are quite tempting it’s sad to have to tell
They’re tailored to my every need and suit me very well
It’s amazing how they seem to know exactly what I need
I suspect that they’ve been plugging into my Twitter feed
Everybody’s after my money
Seems to me that it’s rather funny
Everybody’s after my money

They say that I could lose three stone by eating diet food
But it gives me diahorrea and gets me running to the loo
And then there was this coupon site that promised me cheap booze
So I thought I might give that a try I’ve nothing much to lose
They said a simple survey was all I’d need to give
To unlock lots of coupon codes and save me loads of quids
But after forty pages I was getting pretty bored
And they’re using all the info to flog me even more
Everybody’s after my dosh
All feeding me a load of old tosh
Everybody’s after my money

I get a load of phone calls from a bloke in Bangla Desh
Sometimes there’s no one there at all it’s really quite a mess
The ask me about accidents I’ve never even had
And they say they’ll make a claim for me – it makes me really mad
It seems I could make loads of dosh from missold PPI
It’s a shame I never had some but it’s always worth a try
They say that there’s no win no fee which seems quite odd to me
‘Cos I can’t believe the buggers would do anything for free

I’m always on the lookout for a way to make some lolly
A business opportunity that that doesn’t look too funny
It seems there’s this dictator that’s died somewhere out east
And it all looks very dodgy to say the very least
His widow wants to give be dosh to get in her hod
And she’ll give me a percentage as a sweetener for the job
It’s looking very simple she just needs my bank account
And when she’s got my password she will empty it all out
Everybody’s after my dough
No way they’re gonna get it though
Everybody’s after my money

There’s an offer on my broadband that will give me greater speed
There’s a cheaper car insurance that will meet my every need
There’s sales in every shop I see when I walk out my door
And everyone is telling me that I could save much more
There’s not a price on anything just how much money’s off
And I’ve got a dozen credit cards that pay each other off
They give balance transfers that come with interest free
So I never pay for anything and that sounds good to me
Everybody’s after my money
Welcome to the land of milk and honey
Everybody’s after my money
You know I think it’s kinda funny
That why they’re all giving it their bunny
I ain’t got no money!

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Filed under Blues, Pop, Rock

Move It

OK – I admit it. I like Cliff Richard. I’ve been to see him many times. I was at Wembley Stadium for ‘The Event’, seen him at the Albert Hall, Birmingham NEC and a few other venues.

Recently I went to see him at a somewhat smaller venue. I staggers me how he manages to perform with the energy that he does when he’s well into his 70s.

Anyhow, he’s recently recorded a new version of ‘Move it’ so I thought “I’ll do one too”. Rather arrogantly perhaps, I don’t like the new verse in the 2017 version, so I’ve rewritten it. I’ve also combined the original and 2017 styles mainly because I couldn’t make my mind up!

So here’s my tribute to the indomitable Cliff Richard :

Come on pretty baby, let’s move it and groove it
Well a shake-a baby shake, oh! honey please don’t lose it.
It’s rhythm that “gets you” in your heart and soul
Let me tell you baby; it’s called rock ’n’roll.
They say, it’s gonna die but honey let’s face it;
They just don’t know what’s-a goin’ to replace it.
Ballads’ and calypsos’, they’ve got nothing on
Real country music that drives along.

Come on pretty baby let’s move it an’ a groove it
Dance honey dance baby please don’t lose it
Clicking your fingers and shuffling your feet
Everybody’s dancing to a brand new beat
Gotta get ready ‘cos the times they are a’changing
It’s called rock and roll it’s the music that we’re makin’
Gonna keep rocking til the day I die
Listen to it honey and you’ll soon know why

Honey move it

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Filed under Pop, Rock