Merry Bloody Christmas

It’s a sad fact that I’ve always found Christmas music rather irritating so every year I get together with my good friend Dioclese and we trash a well known piece of Christmas music. This year is no exception.

Each year is a new challenge. Last year we murdered Band Aid. Dire Straits and Cliff Richard have passed through the cross hairs for a good slaughtering. Nothing is sacred.

So this year it’s Noddy Holder’s tonsils and good ol’ Slade that get our own special treatment. To be fair to Noddy even he once said that he didn’t like the song but it did get him a lot of royalties. Good luck to him – and he can have half of the money I get for this version if he’s feeling hard up. It’s available as a single on all good digital outlets so feel free to buy it and play it at your party ‘cos I need the money!

Enjoy the mayhem and try not to take it too seriously. Here’s the lyrics :

Christmas time is coming round again
Peace on earth and good will to all men
There’s loads of Christmas musak
And the shops are full of tat
By Halloween we’d had enough of that

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets longer every year
It’s just turned September and
It’s only just begun

Are you dreading Christmas morning with your mum
And you single parent sister’s chavy son
Are you reaching for the twiglets
Do you swill them down with beer
Is the day you’ve always hated finally here

So here it is bloody Christmas
It isn’t any fun
Don’t get your hopes up
It’s only just begun

And the thing that makes your day complete
Is routing in the quality street
Looking for the toffee sweet
The one they’ve taken out this year
Aggghhh!

Did the children get you up at four o’clock
Did they like the Christmas presents that they got
Did your son ask where’s my Xbox
And your daughter where’s my bike
We were good all year and all we got was shite

So here it is bloody Christmas
Let’s pretend we’re having fun
Wishing it was over when
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets right on your tits
Better make the most of it
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
You’re wishing it was done
No bloody chance mate!
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
A fate that’s worse than death
It’s even worse than last year and
It’s only just begun

And here’s a few verses that didn’t make the cut :

Are your kiddies being a right pain in the arse
Are you thinking that the whole damn thing’s a farce
Are you munching on the chocolates
While your wife does all the work
Can you find excuses not to go to church

Did you stuff your face with Turkey till you popped
Are you praying that the whole damn thing will stop
There’s rubbish on the telly
And the kids are being a pain
Next year we can do it all again

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