Counting C**ts in Cromer

An unusual title inspired by a certain pain in the neck (you know who you are) and my little homage to Ian Dury and his classic ditty “Billericay Dickie” off the “New Boots and Panties” album which has always been a favourite of mine.

The Blockheads are still going and putting out the occasional classic but somehow they’ve never quite been the same without Ian. I’d think he would have had a chuckle at this little number!

I’ve encountered cunts in Cromer
And dicks in Billericay
There’s lots of twats in Twickers
And fools in Faversham
I’ve come across dicks in Didsbury
And arses in Bordeaux
I’m truly international
I don’t mind where I go
There’s stupid people everywhere
From Kent to St Nazaire
There’s silly cows in Moscow
They’re everywhere you know!

There’s people who will take the piss
No matter where they dwell
And they think I’ll just take it
But I can dish it out as well
I find there are opinions
That get right up my nose
And those who will pontificate
And like to preen and pose
I’ve got no time for anyone
Who carries on that way
It’s just a waste of effort
To listen to what they say

And as I travel round the world
It’s amazing what I find
There’s wankers everywhere you look
You’d think they’d all go blind
I’ve met them on the ocean
I’ve met them on the land
I’ve seen them in the desert
Cavourting in the sand
You simply can’t escape them
It’s such a sorry tale
If you think you can avoid them
Then I think you’ll find you fail

It’s the same the whole world over
No matter near or far
There’s fools that go by bicycle
There’s twats that go by car
There’s arseholes riding aeroplanes
There’s some that go by bus
But no matter how they got there
They like to make a fuss
They like to tell me what to think
And tell me what to do
But I’m not really listening
It’s such a bally hoo!

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Filed under Accoustic, Blues, Punk

Keeping On

Keeping on is a song about not giving up until you drop. I think, anyway. It just kind of dropped out of my head after a couple of glasses of red one evening while I was messing about with a bottleneck on the Strat.

Not off the bottle I was drinking at the time I hasten to add!

People keep on dying
People keep on trying
Babies keep crying
Snoopers keep on prying
Preachers keep praying
While hookers keep laying
Teachers keep teaching
While the dogs keep baying
Just keep on
Just gotta keep on keeping on

Drivers keep on driving
While the swimmers keep on swimming
Jumpers keep jumping
Singers keep singing
Losers keep losing
While the winners keep winning
Climbers keep climbing
And the swingers keep swinging
Just gotta keep on
Just gotta keep on keeping on

Drinkers keep drinking
And the smokers keep smoking
Sailors keep sailing
While the stokers keep stoking
Workers keep working
And the shirkers keep shirking
Writers keep writing
Thinkers keep thinking
Just gotta keep on
Just gotta keep on keeping on

Hopers keep on hoping
Copers keep on coping
Players keep on playing
Prayers keep on praying
Walkers keep on walking
Talkers keep on talking
Tryers keep on trying
Liars keep on lying

Who knows if we ain’t got long
We just gotta keep on keeping on

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Filed under Blues

Naturally Superior

Just once in a while you come across somebody who is just so far up his own backside and stuffed full of his own self importance that you just have to play it out of your system. That’s why I wrote this song!

Here’s the lyrics :

Anyone can see that you’re not as good as me
What makes you think that you should be?
Some of us deserve the best things in life
It’s simply not you – it’s me!

I’m naturally superior
It’s just the way it is
Naturally superior
Breeding gives me the edge
Naturally superior
Anyone can see
Naturally superior
You’re not as good as me!

Some of us are leaders, others follow on
We know what’s best for you
Some of you aren’t able to think for yourselves
So we’ll tell you what to do
Some of us have taste, some of us have none
That’s the difference between me and you
It’s not that I want it that way
It’s just the way it is

Naturally superior
I got the silver spoon
Naturally superior
You got the short straw I got the long
Naturally superior
It’s obvious to me
Naturally superior
You’re not important like me!

Natural selection
It’s Darwinian fact
Breeding makes a difference
It’s something I’ve got
That the rest of you lack

I drive a Bentley, you drive a Ford
I’ve got lots of stuff that you can’t afford
I know my place in the scheme of things
It’s important that you do too
I eat at the Ritz on a silver service
You eat McDonalds on a cardboard plate
I go to the opera while you watch TV
That’s why you’re not as good as me

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Filed under Accoustic, Humour

Bland Aid 31 – The 2015 Christmas song

It’s that time of year again when I get together with my good friend Dioclese to produce our Christmas Song. It’s become a bit of a Christmas tradition after all these years.

This year, I decided to bastardise Band Aid. After all, they made a lot of money with this song so why shouldn’t I? You never know – it could make the Christmas number one!

Merry Christmas to you all and thanks for listening.

Right click here to download this track

We sitting round
In the burning sun
It that time
When de white man come
And he give us lots of money
So we never have to work
And dat is how we know
It Christmas time

So spare a thought
For de poor white man
Who has to work
Work hard doing what he can
To earn an honest living
Wishing he could be like me
Hanging out and chillin’
And drinking ice cold beer
Sitting in de sunshine
Underneath a shady tree
Knowing it will soon
Be Christmas time

And we won’t be going short ‘round here dis Christmas
‘Cos there’s loads of stuff arriving every day
And the trucks dey keep on coming
And de dosh keep rolling in
It’s Christmas time
There’s plenty for us all

Sitting round drinking beer and having fun
Lazing round underneath de burning sun
It’s Christmas time
That time we do fuck all!

Send the money!
We don’t care – it’s Christmas time
Truck de food in!
Save us working in de fields
Send de workers!
Build us houses, build us schools
Keep it coming!
We t’ink you’re a load of fools
Life is easy!
That’s how we know it Christmas time
Bugger working!
Just wait round for Christmas time
Oh no – it Lenny Henry!

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Filed under Humour

Funny Old Life

Funny Old Life cover

I’ve recently been uploading a lot of my albums onto various digital distribution sites such as Amazon, Spotify, iTunes and Google Play but it occurred to me that there’s a bit of my earlier stuff that’s never been released or blogged – especially some of the humorous stuff.

So I decided to add a new album called “Funny Old Life”. The cover is shown above and hopefully by the time you read this it’ll be winging it’s way onto those sites so you can listen to it there.

Here’s the track list :

01 – Small Town Man (live)
02 – The Family Tree
03 – Global Warming – The Ecology Song (live)
04 – Ratshitter Rap (The Benedict Song)
05 – Mid Life Crisis
06 – Salad & Fish (live)
07 – Superinjunction
08 – Eurotrash
09 – Rusty Springbox
10 – Ratshitter II – The Resignation
11 – Sea Cloud Blues (live)
12 – The Memoirs Group
13 – The Repeal Bill Song (live)
14 – The Christmas Song (live)
15 – The Polar Bear Song
16 – Shit Christmas

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Filed under Humour, Protest

Moan Moan Moan

Here’s another Dioclese video, this time about people who never stop complaining. We got a bit of stick last week for complaining about Alice Springs so we thought we’d redress the balance with a song about moaning.

Dio tells me there were a couple on the boat on his Aus trip who never stopped complaining. They were Australians!

This song is dedicated to them. Thanks for the inspiration.

Nobody likes a whinger
Why can’t you take the hint
Just cheer up and crack a smile
Don’t be sour faced bint
Be happy – it’ll make a change
Radiate sunshine and turn off the rain
Turn your life round for the better
Stop being such a miserable sod

Moan moan moan
That’s why you’re on your own
Moan moan moan
It’s never ending
Moan moan moan
You’re becoming a pest!

There’s no point in moaning
Complaining will get you nowhere
Especially if you’re deluding yourself
There’s people out there that care
Get the message – no-one’s listening
They don’t give a toss what you think
It’s just that their standards are lower than your’s
Look at how low they can sink

Moan moan moan
Nobody likes a whinger
Moan moan moan
Can’t you give it a rest?
Moan moan moan

The summer’s too hot
The winter’s too cold
Why are there people
Who just won’t be told
The bed is too hard
The chair is too soft
The light is too bright
And my food is cold

Moan moan moan
You’re going on and on
Moan moan moan
Can’t you give it a rest?
Moan moan moan
You’re becoming a pest!

The food in this restaurant
Is simply not up to scratch
The seats too hard – I can’t see the stage
That man is too tall – he should take off his hat
There’s nothing on telly worth watching
The shops are full of old tat
It’s not like it was in the old days
Why can’t it more like that

Moan moan moan
The movies too long
Moan moan moan
That song is too short
Moan moan moan
The air con’s too cold
Moan moan moan
The heating’s too hot
It’s all unacceptable
Why won’t you be told?
Just give it a rest!

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Filed under Pop, Rock

Alice Blues

My good friend Dioclese went off on a another jaunt – this time to Australia where he spent some time in the red centre at Alice Springs and Ayres Rock.

Seems he wasn’t too impressed with Alice Springs. Flew in, flew out. look at the Rock, drove back for 5 hours and then got a train to Darwin. For all you people reading this that live in Australia, I’m sorry but the whinge was so good that I put it to music and he’s supplied the video.

Enjoy it. It’s only a bit of a laugh!

Right click here to download this track

Alice Blues
Nothing to do
I got those Alice Blues
Alice Blues
One horse town
Got the Alice Blues
Middle of nowhere
Nothing to do
Got those Alice Blues

Blazing sun
Not much fun
Got the Alice Blues
Hanging around
Killing time
Got the Alice Blues
Leaving soon
Can’t be too soon
Got the Alice Blues

Lots of dust
Gets everywhere
Got the Alice Blues
Best seen
From the top of a hill
Got the Alice Blues
Don’t look so good
Right up close
Got those Alice Blues

Flew in Monday
Out the same day
Ain’t no reason
For me to stay
Only thing
That worries me
Gotta come back
The same damn way

Out to the Rock
Then back again
Got the Alice Blues
No other reason
For coming here
Got the Alice Blues
Won’t be back
Anytime soon
Got the Alice Blues

Ice cold in Alice
No damn way
Got the Alice Blues
Long way away
And I like it that way
Got the Alice Blues
Ain’t no place
Like a town like Alice
Got the Alice Blues

So damn hot
It’s only the flies that move
Everybody got those Alice Blues

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Filed under Blues, Humour