Merry Bloody Christmas

It’s a sad fact that I’ve always found Christmas music rather irritating so every year I get together with my good friend Dioclese and we trash a well known piece of Christmas music. This year is no exception.

Each year is a new challenge. Last year we murdered Band Aid. Dire Straits and Cliff Richard have passed through the cross hairs for a good slaughtering. Nothing is sacred.

So this year it’s Noddy Holder’s tonsils and good ol’ Slade that get our own special treatment. To be fair to Noddy even he once said that he didn’t like the song but it did get him a lot of royalties. Good luck to him – and he can have half of the money I get for this version if he’s feeling hard up. It’s available as a single on all good digital outlets so feel free to buy it and play it at your party ‘cos I need the money!

Enjoy the mayhem and try not to take it too seriously. Here’s the lyrics :

Christmas time is coming round again
Peace on earth and good will to all men
There’s loads of Christmas musak
And the shops are full of tat
By Halloween we’d had enough of that

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets longer every year
It’s just turned September and
It’s only just begun

Are you dreading Christmas morning with your mum
And you single parent sister’s chavy son
Are you reaching for the twiglets
Do you swill them down with beer
Is the day you’ve always hated finally here

So here it is bloody Christmas
It isn’t any fun
Don’t get your hopes up
It’s only just begun

And the thing that makes your day complete
Is routing in the quality street
Looking for the toffee sweet
The one they’ve taken out this year
Aggghhh!

Did the children get you up at four o’clock
Did they like the Christmas presents that they got
Did your son ask where’s my Xbox
And your daughter where’s my bike
We were good all year and all we got was shite

So here it is bloody Christmas
Let’s pretend we’re having fun
Wishing it was over when
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
It gets right on your tits
Better make the most of it
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
You’re wishing it was done
No bloody chance mate!
It’s only just begun

So here it is bloody Christmas
A fate that’s worse than death
It’s even worse than last year and
It’s only just begun

And here’s a few verses that didn’t make the cut :

Are your kiddies being a right pain in the arse
Are you thinking that the whole damn thing’s a farce
Are you munching on the chocolates
While your wife does all the work
Can you find excuses not to go to church

Did you stuff your face with Turkey till you popped
Are you praying that the whole damn thing will stop
There’s rubbish on the telly
And the kids are being a pain
Next year we can do it all again

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Filed under Humour, Pop

New album released

Greybeard front cover
I’m pleased to announce that my new album ‘Greybeard’ is now available on the major digital music sites like Spotify and Google Play and available to purchase on Amazon and iTunes.

It will shortly be available on other download and sales sites as well. And if the New Tricks album is anything to go by, then it’ll achieve the same availability on pirate music sites across Russia and South Africa. C’est la vie!

In the meantime I’ve updated the site with a new page so you can access it from the image in the left margin or from the drop down menu.

I hope you’ll listen and enjoy it.

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Filed under Uncategorized

Charitee

Here’s a bit of rocking blues about people making lots of money out of setting up charities.

I’ve never understood what makes an organisation a charity. The rules in the UK seem barmy to me. My local U3A is a charity and as far as I can tell it does nothing that I’d recognise as in any way charitable. I just don’t get it – so let me play it out of my system.

I think this track will make the Greybeard album. The artwork is progressing, but Mrs C has decided it looks too aggressive and that she doesn’t like it so a possible rethink is on the cards…

Sitting in the rain on the corner of the street
Begging money with a cup at my feet
Then a light went off in my brain
I knew my life would never be the same
I think it’s kinda funny
How people make their money
Then it occurred to me
I need to start a charity

I haven’t got a kid and I haven’t got a wife
That didn’t stop me re-writing my life
I went somewhere where the people didn’t now me
And told them how my kid was snatched away
I didn’t have a picture
So I got one from the web
And I told the local papers
How it messed with my head

He didn’t have a mother so I hired him a mum
We put on the telly – she was giving it some
The tears were flowing and so was the cash
Nobody suspected it was all a load of trash
I needed an office
So I bought a big house
And a couple of cars
One each for me and my spouse

I’m not doing
Anything wrong
The money’s rolling in
It didn’t take long
To get my story out
For people to feel sorry
And give me loads and loads
Of hard earned lolly

We printed lot of posters for everyone to see
And the company that printed them was owned by me
We got rich quick you know it didn’t take long
And then I wrote a book telling how it went wrong
It’s a best seller
It’s serialed in the Sundays
The movie rights went stellar!
The book tour starts on Monday

Get yourself a charity
Easy as your ABC
All you needs a story
And you could be as rich as me

We never looked back
I think it’s kinda funny
How people feel good
By giving me their money

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Filed under Blues, Rock

My Fascinating Facebook Friend

Frankly I’m not a big fan of Facebook.

For some reason, people follow this site using Facebook and I’ve never really understood way they don’t just read the blog. And what’s the fascination about publishing every little details of your life on line? You’re not that interesting.

Anyhow this is the final track of the Greybeard album. I nearly didn’t include it and then somebody left me a nasty message on Facebook, so I thought “Bugger It!” and here it is

There’s nothing interesting ‘bout the life you lead
Why do you share it? What is it you need?
There’s nothing that you’re writing that I would want to read
I haven’t got the time to waste to worry about you
You’re not that fascinating – I’ve better things to do

Stop filling up your Facebook with your so called friends
You’re really really boring and you’re never gonna trend
Stop putting out that rubbish to tell us what you do
You’re not that clever – I couldn’t give a damn!
We don’t need you to tell us every time that you take a poo

I don’t wanna read your facebook – be your friend to you
I’d rather pluck my eyes out than follow you
I really have to tell you tho’ you’ll think that I’m being mean
Your writing style is rotten, maybe Twitter’s more your scene
You’re filling up my home page with all your lousy dross

I have got news for you – you’re a sad little twat
There’s nothing that you say or do that means a lot
I know that you think we’re hanging on every little word
It don’t revolve round you and your fascinating stuff
There’s a great big world around us – funnily enough

There’s nothing interesting ‘bout the life you lead
Why do you share it? What is it you need?
There’s nothing that you’re writing I would want to read
There’s nothing that you’re doing I want to see

There’s nothing that you’re doing I want to see
I haven’t got the time to waste to worry about you
You’re not that fascinating – I’ve better things to do

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Filed under Blues, Latin, Pop

Greybeard

Here’s the title track from the next album which does seem to have developed a theme about being a bit of an oldie. It wasn’t intentional but then it might have something to do with my qualifying for my State Pension later this year?

I’ll get around to uploading it onto the music stores once I’ve sorted out the artwork but in the meantime just crank the volume up and enjoy a good old bit of rock ‘n’ roll!

Modern music just leaves me cold
People say it’s ‘cos I’m getting too old
Don’t play me hip hop or R&B
Load of junk is what it seems to be
I know the stuff that I like to play
So leave me alone and let me have my say
I got a grey beard, I got silver hair
My kids think I’m crazy but really I don’t care
I got the answer, I do it my way
I got rock and roll

Don’t worry about the things I’ve said
I don’t know what’s running through my head
Punching a clock is a thing I hate
I’m never been punctual and I’m always late
It doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter a damn
I’m too busy being who I am…!
I got a grey beard, I got silver hair
People look through me like I’m n ot even there
I don’t care, I do it my way
I got rock and roll

Meet people – don’t know who they are
When I go for a drink down my favourite bar
Laughing and joking ‘til it’s time to leave
Then can’t remember where I parked the car
Walking home, all alone
Catchy tune running through my head…
I got a grey beard, I got silver hair
They all think I’m senile that I’m not all there
But I ain’t crazy ‘cos I know what I like
And I like that rock and roll

I got a Les Paul Custom and a Fender Strat
I got aviator glasses and a real cool hat
I got an AC30 with real valves
And a HiWatt amp on a six foot stack
Crank it up and let it rip
Let’s hear that rock and roll!
I got a grey beard, I got silver hair
They say I’m too old to rock but I don’t really care
I’ll prove ‘em all wrong and I’ll play what I like
‘cos I love that rock ‘n’ roll

I got a grey beard, I got silver hair
You know I’m gonna keep rocking ‘cos it’s only fair
That I do what I love and I love what I do
‘cos I love that rock ‘n’ roll

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Filed under Rock

Boo Hoo Hoo

Feeling old? Can’t cut it any more?
Then this song is about you!

I used to be a jack the lad
Now I look in the mirror and I see my dad
Boo hoo
Boo hoo hoo
I’m not as young as I used to be
Boo hoo

Got arthritis in my playing hand
That’s why they kicked me out the band
Boo hoo
Boo hoo hoo
Can’t play those licks like I used to do
Boo hoo

My hairs fallen out and my beards grey
Seems to me that I’ve had my day
Boo hoo
Boo hoo hoo
And I worry ‘bout my beer gut
Boo hoo

Wake up in the morning with a pain my head
Sometimes it’s an effort getting out of bed
Boo hoo
Boo hoo hoo
I’m gonna keep rocking ‘til the day I’m dead
Boo hoo hoo

I miss the days I was on the stage
Now people tell me I should act my age
Boo hoo
Boo hoo hoo
But I’m still glad I’m me not you
Boo hoo hoo
Boo hoo

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Filed under Blues, Rock

Hole in the Head

Somewhat reminiscent of a slowed down ZZ Top ‘La Grange’ riff in retrospect, but think of it as a homage to the Texan threesome who are one of my favourite bands.

You stole my money and you drank my booze
You made me unhappy and you made me blue
When I called you up you were never at home
Don’t know where you were but you weren’t on your own

The things that you did and the things that you said
That’s why I miss you like a hole in the head
Like a hole in the head

You twisted the knife, tried to screw up my life
But my skin grew thick – I got used to your lies
No I shouldn’t be happy living without you
But I’m sick and tired of the things you do

The things that you did and the things that you said
That’s why I miss you like a hole in the head
Like a hole in the head
That’s why I miss you like a hole in the head
Like a hole in the head

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Filed under Blues, Rock