F**k You!

In the interests of going back to bad language (shock, horror), I’ve produced this little gem of unbridled vitriol. I’m not actually sure why it popped into my head but I think it might have had something to do with the unrelenting barrage of bullshit I get from my neighbours or perhaps somebody pissed me off. I can’t actually remember to be honest.

Still, here it is and possibly the final track of the New Tricks album which I shall be releasing just as soon as I’ve had a chance to produce the artwork. An artist’s work is just never done.

Right click here to download this track

I don’t really care
If you feel down on your luck
I know you have your problems
But I couldn’t give a fuck
You need to get back on your feet
And pick yourself back up
It’s really really simply how I feel about you…

Fuck you
I don’t care what you do
Fuck you
Keep your problems to yourself
Fuck you
It really doesn’t matter; it’s not that big a deal
Fuck you

You know it doesn’t matter
I have my problems too
But unlike you I wouldn’t try
To dump them all on you
I rise above the little things
And I try to keep my head
But if can’t do the same then this is my advice to you…

Life can be a bastard
If you let it get to you
But you can turn a sniffle
Into a bout of flu
Your life is full of dramas
But they could be a whole lot worse
So please don’t dump your shit on me, you horrid little worm

You need to get perspective
You need to get a grip
You’d be a whole lot better
If you just weren’t such a prick
I never really liked you
So I guess I must confess
‘Cos you turn relaxation into never ending stress

I’m glad that we have cleared the air
And I’m glad we got it straight
It isn’t love I feel for you
You’ll never be my mate
It’s because of all the bullshit
That you dump on my plate
That the only thing I feel for you is unremitted hate!

1 Comment

Filed under Rock

Let Me Drive Your Car

I was criticised a bit on my last offering for the language involved but never mind – as it says in the header “Approval is not required.”

Anyhow, with due deference to those of you who might have been mortally offended, this is a somewhat more sedate offering. As my regulars will know, I have always been a blues man first and foremost and this is pure blues. And if you want to read lots of sexual inuendo into it, then all I can say is you’ve got a dirty mind!

Incidentally, I’ve expanded the ‘My Life’ section of this blog to include not just my memoirs but a detailed and extensive family history.

Right click here to download this track

I can fast or I can go slow
I can go any speed that you want me to go
Let me drive your car
Let me drive your car
We could go far if you’d only
Let me drive your car

You got sleek bodywork and a comfortable seat
Just climb in the back and put up your feet
Let me drive your car
Let me drive your car
Just relaxey-vous
And let me drive your car

Anywhere you like that’s where we’ll go
Where this is leading us we’ll never know
You never know – we could go far
Anything is possible, driving your car

We could go to the left, we could go to the right
We can go anyway makes you feel alright
Let me drive your car
Let me drive your car
You’ll enjoy the ride if
You only let me drive your car

It’s no fun driving on your own
It’s no fun being all alone
You need some company than I’m your man
Not just your driver but your number one fan

I can tune your engine, I can turn your wheels
Polish your bodywork if that’s how you feel
Let me drive your car
Let me drive your car
I could be just the driver you need
Let me drive your car

Leave a comment

Filed under Blues


My friend Dioclese went off on a jaunt to Madagascar to take a look at the lemurs – but judging from the poem he sent me, he didn’t have a lot of luck!

Anyway, it was too good to waste so I set it music and he sent me back this video. I’ve printed his words below. It made me laugh!

Right click here to download this track

We went to Madagascar to take a look around
Went hiking through the jungle to see what could be found
We saw a lot of geckos crawling on the ground
But there’s one thing that we never saw no matter how we traipsed around
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” we heard the tourists shout
“We came to see the monkeys but there’s bugger all about”

We went off on a jungle hike with a friendly local guide
She showed us lots of trees and stuff – her knowledge was quite wide
We asked about the lemurs. We asked her where they hide
She said they’re all around us but they’re really rather shy
“So where’s the fucking lemurs?” that’s what we want to know
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” The buggers never showed

I’ve seen a leaf tailed gecko and I’ve seen a wide mouthed frog
I saw a big black spider sitting on a log
It isn’t like we didn’t try – we hunted high and low
But we never saw a lemur. Just why I’ll never know!
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” Where do the buggers go
Where are the bastards hiding – that’s what I want to know!

There’s lots of different lemurs – black and white and brown
There were some here just the other day but there’s none around right now
It seems we came too early, there were loads after we left
So we tried arriving later – but when we’re not here’s best!
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” There’s none around just now
It seems they’re more elusive than a green striped flying cow

So if you come to Madagascar to see these little chaps
Then I wish you the best of luck – ‘co s it’s not an easy task
You see a lot of jungle and you take what you get
And if you thought chameleons were hard to spot then you ain’t nothing yet!
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” I guess we’ll never now
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” They’re nowhere that we go

“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” The buggers never showed
“Did we see the fucking lemurs?” The simple answer’s ‘No!’

Leave a comment

Filed under Funk, Humour

Making it up


I was delighted to see Wilko Johnson back on his feet and preforming on Jool’s dreadful New Year show. I admire his style of playing and it’s not actually vastly different of the sort of thing I used to do in the late 60s and 70s.

I wanted to do something as a sort of tribute to the guy and to the late Mick Green of The Pirates who inspired Wilko. The Pirates were grossly underrated and until I listened to Wilko’s collaboration with Roger Daltry, I’d pretty much forgotten Dr Feelgood when Wilko was at his peak.

So here’s a piece in the style of Wilko (hopefully) that he might not be too embarassed to listen to. Nice to see you’re still with us, mate. This one’s for you.

Right click here to download this track

You got nothing to say and if that ain’t enough
You feel that you gotta make things up
You’re making it up
You’re just making it up
If that’s the best you can do well
Why don’t you just shut up?

OK – you had a boring life
Now you spice it up by telling lies
And making it up
Tell you I had enough
It was fun for a while
‘til you started making it up

I don’t know how you feel about me
I Guess I’m goin’ to have to wait and see
Are you making it up?
That would be kinda tough
Are your feelings for real
Or are you making them up?

You go out for a night on the town
And when I ask you if you’re foolin’ around
I can’t tell
If you’re making it up
Things could get rough
If you’re only making it up

Leave a comment

Filed under Rock


Now that the festive season has been put to bed and we’re back to the good old fashioned season of bad will, here’s a song I wrote about my neighbours who, quite frankly, I could do without most of the time.

I suspect it might be something to do with country life. I blame the inbreeding for the total lack of consideration, bad manners and intractable self-opinionation. Read the lyrics and you might get what I’m talking about!

Right click here to download this track

Thoughtless people are what I hate
Going out drinking and coming in late
Waking me up and puking in the street
A good nights sleep would be a real treat
You let your dogs piss on my lawn
Rev your cars up at the crack of dawn
Saying you hate me so why don’t I move
Giving me the benefit of your verbal abuse

To be honest I’ve had my fill
The disruption is making me ill
Everybody telling you what you should do
Everybody forcing their opinions on you

Your attitude is getting me down
It makes me wonder why I stay in this town
Everyone here thinks they’re better than me
It’s total arrogance as far as I can see
Petty minded with attitudes so small
Why do I bother to listen at all?
Everybody telling me to do what I’m told
Nobody cares about the views I hold

To be honest I’ve had my fill
This disruption is making me ill
Everybody telling me what I should do
Everybody forcing their opinions on you

Mowing the lawn at 7am on Sunday
Going off to work at 5am on Monday
Banging their car doors out on the street
It’s 6am and I need my sleep
Making sure that I don’t get a fun day
I’m always wrong when I do things my way
There’s no way it needs to be this way
But no-one’s listening to anything I say

That’s aggression and I’ve my fill
It’s plain aggression and it’s making me ill
What you think of me is what you think counts
But what I think of you just counts for nowt
Consideration wouldn’t go amiss
Instead of everyone taking the piss
Whatever happened to to a little good will
There’s just aggression and I’ve my fill

Leave a comment

Filed under Pop, Rock

Dire Christmas (No Christmas Cheer Here)

Every year at about this time, I do a Christmas song and my friend Dioclese puts a video to it. It’s become a sort of traditional thing so I can’t get out of it now!

So this year’s Christmas turkey is my rewriting of Dire Straits ‘Sultans of Swing’ which is a favourite of mine and one I’ve often fancied having a crack at. Why not sing along or play it at your party? It might raise a laugh or two.

Right click here to download the mp3 of this track

Where’s the Ferrero Rocher?
Where’s the Quality Street?
Where’s me box of Twiglets?
And where’s me choccy treat?
Christmas ain’t the same no more
Without those Cheesy Balls
The magic has gone out of it
Where’s me Christmas drink?

There’s loadsa surplus turkey
There’s fuck all on the box
The kids all stayed home again
They’re such a selfish lot
We’ll had our dinner on our own
Like we did last year
It’s the same on Boxing Day
No Christmas cheer here!

The Pope’s been on the telly
Preaching peace and love
But we didn’t bother listening
‘cos it’s all a load of guff
Nobody gives a toss for us
They made that very plain
So next year they can all get stuffed
‘cos I’m getting on a plane

The weather’s crap in England
It’s a grey old Christmas time
So we’re off somewhere sunny
Where there’s all inclusive wine
We might be there with strangers
Who couldn’t give a toss
We might not be with family
But frankly that’s their loss!

Ain’t no Christmas
Ain’t no Christmas cheer here…

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Pop

Sweet Home Chicago

Here’s one from the vaults – my version of an old Robert Johnson song that’s been done by so many other people it’s impossible to count them all. Clapton did it quite well, so I’ve resisted the temptation to stick in a guitar solo that would pale into insignificance alongside the great man.

I’ve not published the words because they’re pretty simple and anyone who knows anything about Johnson would probably know them anyway!

Right click here to download this track

Leave a comment

Filed under Blues