Handyman

I’ve just completed a new album – ‘Handyman’. It’s a return to my roots and concentrates on blues and rock music.

I’ve uploaded it to my record company who are now in the process of distributing it to Spotify, GooglePlay, iTunes and loads of others. Should be available shortly. So in the meantime, here’s a taster. It’s the title track.

** UPDATE ** The album is now live on Spotify, Amazon, deezer, Tidal and others

Tell me when your fuse is broken
Tell me when your lights don’t work
You can make a call to me girl
Any time of night or day
I can be there in a jiffy
Show you all the things I do

‘cos I’m your handyman
Doing what I can
No job too big to handle
I can you bring peace of mind
Let me sort out all your problems
Let me be your handyman

If you think your battery’s failing
And you don’t what to do
I can plug you in my charger
It’ll soon be good as new
I can get you up and running
That’s the sort of thing I do

I’m your handyman
Let me lend a hand
I’m your handyman
Doing what I can
Any time of night or day
I can be your handyman

Got myself a great big tool bag
Got a tool for every job
Big or small it makes no difference
Never found a job too odd
If you’re feeling down or broken
I can always fix you up

I’m your handyman
I’m your helping hand
I can handle any problem
Ain’t no job too big or small
You should always keep me close ‘cos
I’m your ever loving handyman

I can handle all your problems
If you let me be your handyman

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Bad News Girl

I’ve been quiet for a while while I’ve been working on the next album. Here’s a taster of what’s to come – a song inspired by the behaviour of my ex wife.

I’m not bitter and twisted about it as it was a long time ago, but they do say that the best stuff comes when you write about stuff that’s been significant in your life. If you listen to the words, then you’ll know what I mean.

I played this recently to a guy I met on a cruise that I’ve got to know quite well. His comment was “Christ, mate! You’ve just written the story of my life!”

I used to think that I knew her quite well
Only goes to show you never can tell
She had her very own version of hell
On tap
Met her at a party she was all on her own
Never asked why but I guess I should have known
She looked real scary so I should have known better
Oh well!

Soon found out that she was one of a kind
Never ever knew what was going through her mind
She’s not all there – you’ll never guess what’s coming
Next
She’s been screwing around with the guy next door
Fooling around – and acting like a whore
You get to the point you can’t take any more
No way!

The girl is mental – She’s a bad news story
I got stuck with her then now I’m glad she’s gone
I wish I’d never met her but it’s too late for that
Too bad!
It’s like a real bad dream – but you never wake up
A loaded gun that’s being pointed your way
She’ll never listen to a single thing
You say

She stole my cash and she drank my booze
I know should’ve dumped her while I’d nothing to lose
Or maybe I should just have palmed her off on you

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Filed under Blues, Country, Rock

Way of the World

This is the final track of the ‘Shooting for Pork’ album and I find it’s always good to leave on a healthy note of cynicism about the state of the world, society, all that stuff – so why break the habit of a lifetime?

Suppose I’d better start thinking about the next album…..?

I guess it’s kinda funny when you got all the money
And I Guess it ain’t so funny when you ain’t
Sitting in my penthouse looking at the slums
Waiting ‘til they’re cleared away
It’s spoiling my view -I don’t care about you
You’re getting in my way
I’m brushing you aside like a buzzing little fly
You know you’ve had your day

Watching all the big guys stomping on the little guys
Watching how the money goes round
Seeing all the rich guys buying out the little guys
Ain’t that the way of the world

So you reckon that I really don’t care?
You kinda nailed it there
You live in a slum and you’re – eating muck
In this life you make own luck
Sticking your hand out – begging in the street
I’m gonna walk on by
I did OK and I had my say
While no-body was listening to you

And if you wonder how it ended up like this
Well, you’ve only got yourself to blame

You let it all happen – you didn’t give a damn
No use to kick up a fuss
I get the money while you the blame
And it’s always gonna be the same
Moaning on Twitter, creating a storm
It’s just a waste of your time
It’s the way of the world, it’s how it is
You’re never gonna make it change

Start yourself a hash tag – see how you go
It’s just the way of the world

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Single

Remember those good old days before the ol’ ball and chain? Great weren’t they? Out every night drinking, clubbing, havin’ a larf with yer mates?

Then they all got married, had kids, settled down, left you on your own. Then they got divorced and you could do it all again. Ain;t life great?

I never thought twice about the way that I dressed
Til a woman looked me up and down and said I looked a mess
My hair was all wrong, too short or too long
And the women that I liked never seemed to last long
I thought it would be great
Drinking beer with my mates
Rolling in pissed and sleeping in late
But life is never simple and it’s not like that
Being single ain’t that great

I like 60s music but they say I’m outta touch
And the women that I meet don’t really seem to like it much
I drive an old Volvo – it’s a really good car
But the girls don’t seem to like it so I never get far
So I bought a new motor to bring me up to date
But it didn’t really help me in my search for a mate
I styled my hair and bought some new clothes
And it cost me a packet for a reshaped nose

I bought myself the latest phone
It came complete with a great ring tone
I’m on social media so I’m never alone
And I’m out and about even when I’m at home

There’s wedges in my shoes to try and make me look taller
But you just can’t win ‘cos the women feel smaller
I drink sexy cocktails ‘cos it makes me look smart
But it sorta backfired when it made me fart
I tried sophistication by taking up vaping
And I tried being cool with the moves that I was making
So the me that was me wasn’t me any more
And I look really stupid when I’m on the dance floor

I thought it would be fun when I’m living on my own
The women would be queuing up and wanna take me home
Instead I’m watching TV ‘till it’s really really late
Let’s face it, being single ain’t that great

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Black Jack


Say no more!

Old Jack Daniels is a good friend of mine
He makes me feel happy and he makes me feel fine
I forget all my troubles and I lose track of time
It’s much more effective than beer or wine

Gimme a beer, gimme a scotch
Hit me with tequila or hit me with gin
Another large vodka and then I’ll be done
Same thing tomorrow – ain’t we having some fun?

The doc says my liver’s a little enlarged
He tells me I’ll die if I keep drinking hard
He tells me stop smoking and give up the booze
But when you get to my age you’ve got nothing to lose

I drink in the morning and I ‘m drinking at night
I drink any time that I bloody well like
I’m not really fussy what I pour down my neck
And when I stop drinking it makes me feel sick

So don’t waste your money – take a tip from me
Go straight for the hard stuff and then you will see
Pour me a measure and make sure it’s big
And don’t you dare tell me I’m a drunken old pig

And when I lay dying drunk on the floor
That’s usually the time I don’t drink any more
I wake in the morning head ringing in pain
Then I reach for the bottle and I do it again

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Little Miss Prissy Prissy

If you listened to “You Know What You Can Do” recently then you might well be able to work out that this track off ‘Shooting for Pork’ is inspired by pretty much the same train of thought.

When you live where I do, you’ll find a lot of people who are whiter than white and holier than thou. I have no problem with people’s personal beliefs until they start ramming them down my throat. At that point I just need to play it out of my system.

You toddle off to church like a good girl every Sunday
Then you run off at the mouth when you see me on Monday
You like to dish it out but you sure can’t take it
Are you jealous ‘cos you never really made it

Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
Why do you think that there’s no-else as good as you?
Little miss prissy prissy —- goody goody

You say you’ve never ever been spoken to like that
I really can’t believe it when you’re acting like that
You fake shock and horror when I answer you back
But why did you think that I should tolerate that?

Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
What you gonna do when they don’t wanna know you?
Little miss prissy prissy —- goody goody

What makes you think that you can get away with it?
You talk about equality but really don’t mean it
You’ve led a pure life that’s as white as snow
But you’re huffing and puffing and you’re having a go

Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
What you gonna do when they all turn their back on you?
Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
Why do you think that there’s no-else as good as you?
Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes
What you gonna do when they don’t wanna know you?
Little miss prissy prissy goody goody two shoes

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Dog End Day

This was to have been the title track of the new album before I changed the title.

The lyrics come from my old collaborator Tony Groves. I combined bits of two of his writing and added a few bits of my own to make it flow. The result is this happy little ditty. To be fair, Tony and I don’t really do happy, but what the hell!

Powdered milk and dog-end day,
I got no money and I got no pay.
I got no family and I got no wife,
But I got trouble and I got strife.

Smash the buffers or go off the rails
It’s all the same when life’s brake fails
Hit a mountain, crash in the sea
Makes no difference far as I can see

Heart thumps hard, stomach knots,
I count the blessings that I ain’t got.
I live in hope and struggle on through,
It’s what they tell me that I must do.

No more booze is what you’re thinking
All the while you go on drinking
I’ll quit tomorrow is what I say
But tomorrow is another day…

Knock it back to drown that pain,
Knowing it’ll soon come back again
Heart plays rhythm with lots of bass
Misery carved on a careworn face

Skies of lead, grey with gloom
Spinning eyes and spinning room
Reality is where I dwell
Deep within this living hell

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Filed under Blues, Lyrics by Tony Groves, Pop, Rock