Lemurs

My friend Dioclese went off on a jaunt to Madagascar to take a look at the lemurs – but judging from the poem he sent me, he didn’t have a lot of luck!

Anyway, it was too good to waste so I set it music and he sent me back this video. I’ve printed his words below. It made me laugh!

Right click here to download this track

We went to Madagascar to take a look around
Went hiking through the jungle to see what could be found
We saw a lot of geckos crawling on the ground
But there’s one thing that we never saw no matter how we traipsed around
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” we heard the tourists shout
“We came to see the monkeys but there’s bugger all about”

We went off on a jungle hike with a friendly local guide
She showed us lots of trees and stuff – her knowledge was quite wide
We asked about the lemurs. We asked her where they hide
She said they’re all around us but they’re really rather shy
“So where’s the fucking lemurs?” that’s what we want to know
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” The buggers never showed

I’ve seen a leaf tailed gecko and I’ve seen a wide mouthed frog
I saw a big black spider sitting on a log
It isn’t like we didn’t try – we hunted high and low
But we never saw a lemur. Just why I’ll never know!
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” Where do the buggers go
Where are the bastards hiding – that’s what I want to know!

There’s lots of different lemurs – black and white and brown
There were some here just the other day but there’s none around right now
It seems we came too early, there were loads after we left
So we tried arriving later – but when we’re not here’s best!
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” There’s none around just now
It seems they’re more elusive than a green striped flying cow

So if you come to Madagascar to see these little chaps
Then I wish you the best of luck – ‘co s it’s not an easy task
You see a lot of jungle and you take what you get
And if you thought chameleons were hard to spot then you ain’t nothing yet!
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” I guess we’ll never now
“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” They’re nowhere that we go

“Where’s the fucking lemurs?” The buggers never showed
“Did we see the fucking lemurs?” The simple answer’s ‘No!’

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Filed under Funk, Humour

Making it up

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I was delighted to see Wilko Johnson back on his feet and preforming on Jool’s dreadful New Year show. I admire his style of playing and it’s not actually vastly different of the sort of thing I used to do in the late 60s and 70s.

I wanted to do something as a sort of tribute to the guy and to the late Mick Green of The Pirates who inspired Wilko. The Pirates were grossly underrated and until I listened to Wilko’s collaboration with Roger Daltry, I’d pretty much forgotten Dr Feelgood when Wilko was at his peak.

So here’s a piece in the style of Wilko (hopefully) that he might not be too embarassed to listen to. Nice to see you’re still with us, mate. This one’s for you.

Right click here to download this track

You got nothing to say and if that ain’t enough
You feel that you gotta make things up
You’re making it up
You’re just making it up
If that’s the best you can do well
Why don’t you just shut up?

OK – you had a boring life
Now you spice it up by telling lies
And making it up
Tell you I had enough
It was fun for a while
‘til you started making it up

I don’t know how you feel about me
I Guess I’m goin’ to have to wait and see
Are you making it up?
That would be kinda tough
Are your feelings for real
Or are you making them up?

You go out for a night on the town
And when I ask you if you’re foolin’ around
I can’t tell
If you’re making it up
Things could get rough
If you’re only making it up

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Filed under Rock

Aggression

Now that the festive season has been put to bed and we’re back to the good old fashioned season of bad will, here’s a song I wrote about my neighbours who, quite frankly, I could do without most of the time.

I suspect it might be something to do with country life. I blame the inbreeding for the total lack of consideration, bad manners and intractable self-opinionation. Read the lyrics and you might get what I’m talking about!

Right click here to download this track

Thoughtless people are what I hate
Going out drinking and coming in late
Waking me up and puking in the street
A good nights sleep would be a real treat
You let your dogs piss on my lawn
Rev your cars up at the crack of dawn
Saying you hate me so why don’t I move
Giving me the benefit of your verbal abuse

To be honest I’ve had my fill
The disruption is making me ill
Everybody telling you what you should do
Everybody forcing their opinions on you

Your attitude is getting me down
It makes me wonder why I stay in this town
Everyone here thinks they’re better than me
It’s total arrogance as far as I can see
Petty minded with attitudes so small
Why do I bother to listen at all?
Everybody telling me to do what I’m told
Nobody cares about the views I hold

To be honest I’ve had my fill
This disruption is making me ill
Everybody telling me what I should do
Everybody forcing their opinions on you

Mowing the lawn at 7am on Sunday
Going off to work at 5am on Monday
Banging their car doors out on the street
It’s 6am and I need my sleep
Making sure that I don’t get a fun day
I’m always wrong when I do things my way
There’s no way it needs to be this way
But no-one’s listening to anything I say

That’s aggression and I’ve my fill
It’s plain aggression and it’s making me ill
What you think of me is what you think counts
But what I think of you just counts for nowt
Consideration wouldn’t go amiss
Instead of everyone taking the piss
Whatever happened to to a little good will
There’s just aggression and I’ve my fill

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Filed under Pop, Rock

Dire Christmas (No Christmas Cheer Here)

Every year at about this time, I do a Christmas song and my friend Dioclese puts a video to it. It’s become a sort of traditional thing so I can’t get out of it now!

So this year’s Christmas turkey is my rewriting of Dire Straits ‘Sultans of Swing’ which is a favourite of mine and one I’ve often fancied having a crack at. Why not sing along or play it at your party? It might raise a laugh or two.

Right click here to download the mp3 of this track

Where’s the Ferrero Rocher?
Where’s the Quality Street?
Where’s me box of Twiglets?
And where’s me choccy treat?
Christmas ain’t the same no more
Without those Cheesy Balls
The magic has gone out of it
Where’s me Christmas drink?

There’s loadsa surplus turkey
There’s fuck all on the box
The kids all stayed home again
They’re such a selfish lot
We’ll had our dinner on our own
Like we did last year
It’s the same on Boxing Day
No Christmas cheer here!

The Pope’s been on the telly
Preaching peace and love
But we didn’t bother listening
‘cos it’s all a load of guff
Nobody gives a toss for us
They made that very plain
So next year they can all get stuffed
‘cos I’m getting on a plane

The weather’s crap in England
It’s a grey old Christmas time
So we’re off somewhere sunny
Where there’s all inclusive wine
We might be there with strangers
Who couldn’t give a toss
We might not be with family
But frankly that’s their loss!

Ain’t no Christmas
Ain’t no Christmas cheer here…

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Filed under Humour, Pop

Sweet Home Chicago

Here’s one from the vaults – my version of an old Robert Johnson song that’s been done by so many other people it’s impossible to count them all. Clapton did it quite well, so I’ve resisted the temptation to stick in a guitar solo that would pale into insignificance alongside the great man.

I’ve not published the words because they’re pretty simple and anyone who knows anything about Johnson would probably know them anyway!


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Filed under Blues

Alcoholic Haze

We all enjoy a drink once in a while, and anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that if there’s two things that feature in my music, it’s drinking and the blues.

So true to form here’s a blues song about drinking…

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Drinking lotsa wine
Feeling real fine
Can’t think of a better way of wasting my time
Feeling real good
Like I know I should
If you offered me another glass you know that I would
Alcoholic haze
Seems to be the only way
Alcoholic haze
It makes the pain go away

Pour me a whiskey
Pour me a gin
I don’t want no mixers just pour another in
Don’t want water
And I don’t want no ice
I like it undiluted ‘cos it tastes just right
Alcoholic haze
Since she went away
Alcoholic haze
Helps me make it through the day

It’s party time
Over at mine
Just bring a bottle it’ll be real fine
Every one
Is Having fun
And it gets even better if you sink another one

Sittin’ in the sun
Tryin’ to have some fun
It seems to get better if I sink another one
Red wine, white wine
Spirits or beer
You know I ain’t fussy so bring it over here
Alcoholic haze
Seems to be the only way
Alcoholic haze
It makes the pain go away
Since she went away
Alcoholic haze
Helps me make it through the day

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Filed under Blues

Rock ‘n’ Roll’s Alright with Me

I do like a bit of uptempo guitar based rock and roll music, so I sent this to my good friend Dioclese who put a nice video to it. I especially liked the little tribute to the great Chuck Berry on the guitar solo.

Hope you enjoy it too.

Right click here to download this track

I don’t do songs about the troubles of love
I don’t wanna sing about the Lord above
I don’t play ballads or old folk songs
I just wanna a beat that moves along
‘cos Rock and Roll’s alright with me
Ain’t nothing beats it far as I can see
Give me a 12 bar with a driving beat
‘cos Rock and Roll’s alright with me

I tried doing punk and I tried doing soul
I even tried Motown but it took it’s toll
I tried surf music and I tried reggae
But it’s rock ‘n’ roll for me at the end of the day
Rock and Roll’s alright with me
It’s music that will move your soul
Ain’t nothing like it when it’s groovin’ along
There ain’t nothing like that rock ‘n’ roll

Ain’t nothing like it
Tell me that you like it
And you will be a friend of mine
That good ol’ rock ‘n’ roll
Gets into your soul
Moves you right along ‘til you’ re feelin’ fine

Gimme a guitar and a bass and drums
Give me a 12 bar that I can strum
Anyone can do it – it’s easy to see
So why not play along with me
Rock and Roll’s alright with me
Ain’t nothing beats it far as I can see
Give me a 12 bar with a driving beat
‘cos Rock and Roll’s alright with me
Rock and Roll’s alright with me
It’s music that will move your soul
Ain’t nothing like it when it’s groovin’ along
There ain’t nothing quite like rock ‘n’ roll
Rock and Roll’s alright with me
I said I love that Rock and Roll

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Filed under Rock