Bland Aid 31 – The 2015 Christmas song

It’s that time of year again when I get together with my good friend Dioclese to produce our Christmas Song. It’s become a bit of a Christmas tradition after all these years.

This year, I decided to bastardise Band Aid. After all, they made a lot of money with this song so why shouldn’t I? You never know – it could make the Christmas number one!

Merry Christmas to you all and thanks for listening.

Right click here to download this track

We sitting round
In the burning sun
It that time
When de white man come
And he give us lots of money
So we never have to work
And dat is how we know
It Christmas time

So spare a thought
For de poor white man
Who has to work
Work hard doing what he can
To earn an honest living
Wishing he could be like me
Hanging out and chillin’
And drinking ice cold beer
Sitting in de sunshine
Underneath a shady tree
Knowing it will soon
Be Christmas time

And we won’t be going short ‘round here dis Christmas
‘Cos there’s loads of stuff arriving every day
And the trucks dey keep on coming
And de dosh keep rolling in
It’s Christmas time
There’s plenty for us all

Sitting round drinking beer and having fun
Lazing round underneath de burning sun
It’s Christmas time
That time we do fuck all!

Send the money!
We don’t care – it’s Christmas time
Truck de food in!
Save us working in de fields
Send de workers!
Build us houses, build us schools
Keep it coming!
We t’ink you’re a load of fools
Life is easy!
That’s how we know it Christmas time
Bugger working!
Just wait round for Christmas time
Oh no – it Lenny Henry!

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Filed under Humour

Funny Old Life

Funny Old Life cover

I’ve recently been uploading a lot of my albums onto various digital distribution sites such as Amazon, Spotify, iTunes and Google Play but it occurred to me that there’s a bit of my earlier stuff that’s never been released or blogged – especially some of the humorous stuff.

So I decided to add a new album called “Funny Old Life”. The cover is shown above and hopefully by the time you read this it’ll be winging it’s way onto those sites so you can listen to it there.

Here’s the track list :

01 – Small Town Man (live)
02 – The Family Tree
03 – Global Warming – The Ecology Song (live)
04 – Ratshitter Rap (The Benedict Song)
05 – Mid Life Crisis
06 – Salad & Fish (live)
07 – Superinjunction
08 – Eurotrash
09 – Rusty Springbox
10 – Ratshitter II – The Resignation
11 – Sea Cloud Blues (live)
12 – The Memoirs Group
13 – The Repeal Bill Song (live)
14 – The Christmas Song (live)
15 – The Polar Bear Song
16 – Shit Christmas

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Filed under Humour, Protest

Moan Moan Moan

Here’s another Dioclese video, this time about people who never stop complaining. We got a bit of stick last week for complaining about Alice Springs so we thought we’d redress the balance with a song about moaning.

Dio tells me there were a couple on the boat on his Aus trip who never stopped complaining. They were Australians!

This song is dedicated to them. Thanks for the inspiration.

Right click here to download this track

Nobody likes a whinger
Why can’t you take the hint
Just cheer up and crack a smile
Don’t be sour faced bint
Be happy – it’ll make a change
Radiate sunshine and turn off the rain
Turn your life round for the better
Stop being such a miserable sod

Moan moan moan
That’s why you’re on your own
Moan moan moan
It’s never ending
Moan moan moan
You’re becoming a pest!

There’s no point in moaning
Complaining will get you nowhere
Especially if you’re deluding yourself
There’s people out there that care
Get the message – no-one’s listening
They don’t give a toss what you think
It’s just that their standards are lower than your’s
Look at how low they can sink

Moan moan moan
Nobody likes a whinger
Moan moan moan
Can’t you give it a rest?
Moan moan moan

The summer’s too hot
The winter’s too cold
Why are there people
Who just won’t be told
The bed is too hard
The chair is too soft
The light is too bright
And my food is cold

Moan moan moan
You’re going on and on
Moan moan moan
Can’t you give it a rest?
Moan moan moan
You’re becoming a pest!

The food in this restaurant
Is simply not up to scratch
The seats too hard – I can’t see the stage
That man is too tall – he should take off his hat
There’s nothing on telly worth watching
The shops are full of old tat
It’s not like it was in the old days
Why can’t it more like that

Moan moan moan
The movies too long
Moan moan moan
That song is too short
Moan moan moan
The air con’s too cold
Moan moan moan
The heating’s too hot
It’s all unacceptable
Why won’t you be told?
Just give it a rest!

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Filed under Pop, Rock

Alice Blues

My good friend Dioclese went off on a another jaunt – this time to Australia where he spent some time in the red centre at Alice Springs and Ayres Rock.

Seems he wasn’t too impressed with Alice Springs. Flew in, flew out. look at the Rock, drove back for 5 hours and then got a train to Darwin. For all you people reading this that live in Australia, I’m sorry but the whinge was so good that I put it to music and he’s supplied the video.

Enjoy it. It’s only a bit of a laugh!

Right click here to download this track

Alice Blues
Nothing to do
I got those Alice Blues
Alice Blues
One horse town
Got the Alice Blues
Middle of nowhere
Nothing to do
Got those Alice Blues

Blazing sun
Not much fun
Got the Alice Blues
Hanging around
Killing time
Got the Alice Blues
Leaving soon
Can’t be too soon
Got the Alice Blues

Lots of dust
Gets everywhere
Got the Alice Blues
Best seen
From the top of a hill
Got the Alice Blues
Don’t look so good
Right up close
Got those Alice Blues

Flew in Monday
Out the same day
Ain’t no reason
For me to stay
Only thing
That worries me
Gotta come back
The same damn way

Out to the Rock
Then back again
Got the Alice Blues
No other reason
For coming here
Got the Alice Blues
Won’t be back
Anytime soon
Got the Alice Blues

Ice cold in Alice
No damn way
Got the Alice Blues
Long way away
And I like it that way
Got the Alice Blues
Ain’t no place
Like a town like Alice
Got the Alice Blues

So damn hot
It’s only the flies that move
Everybody got those Alice Blues

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Filed under Blues, Humour

Always Right and Never Wrong

If I had the balls, I’d dedicate this track to my dear wife who unfortunately has been frequently proved to be right more often than I am!

This is a song about intransigence and failing to see the other person’s point of view. It’s not directed at anyone in particular. Honestly.

Right click here to download this track

Here’s the lyrics :

There’s nothing I can say or do
To make my opinion matter to you
So pardon me but I can’t see
Why your opinion should matter to me
What makes you think you’re always right
Even when you’re spouting shite
The arguments go on and on
You won’t admit you could be wrong

It doesn’t matter – come what may
You always have to have it your way
You simply carry on and on
You won’t concede you may be wrong
You’re always going to see it your way
It doesn’t matter – come what may
It goes in one ear out the other
It’s my opinion that you smother

Truth or lies – It’s you decides
I see the cynicism in your eyes
You think that I can’t see the light
You seem to think I’m never right

You like to win – to go for glory
You can’t see both sides of the story
It doesn’t matter – come what may
You’re always going to see it your way
The arguments go on and on
You won’t admit you could be wrong

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Filed under Rock

I like You The Way You Are

As regular visitors to this site will have figured out, I don’t really do love songs because, to be honest, whenever I’ve tried they’ve turned out to be soppy, sentimental crap best consigned to the musical dustbin.

However, as it was my 31st anniversary recently, I decided I’d try this little number as a tribute to my good lady. Now you might be expecting a nice little romantic ballad but I don’t really do that sort of stuff either – so here’s a piece of heavy rock instead!

(I’ve not actually worked up the nerve to play it to her yet)

Right click here to download this track

Here’s the lyrics :

You don’t bother with designer outfits
You get your clothes from M&S
I like the way you look in the morning
Even though your hair’s a mess
You don’t pack airs and graces
And you call a spade a spade
But there’s nothing that needs changing
‘Cos I like the way you’re made

You might be not world famous
You might not be a movie star
You might not be a millionaire
But I like you the way you are

You might not own a Ferrari
But you’re a star in an ordin’ry car
You sure rev up my engine
And together we’ll go far
You don’t need lots of makeup
You don’t need fancy hair
You don’t need plastic surgery
To look pretty good to me

You say you’re nothing special
That you’re pretty ordin’ry
But I have to disagree ‘cos
I like you the way you are

I like the way you tell it straight
Even when we disagree
You don’t take any bullshit
Even from the likes of me

Some girls pile the makeup on
They think it makes them smart
But what they end up looking like
Is just a third rate tart
They’re running up their gold card
But you don’t need stuff like that
‘cos even when you slob around
You still look pretty class

I wonder what you’re doing
Hanging round with me
I know I won’t do better
I like you the way you are

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Filed under Rock

Head Games

Time to move on from the unplugged stuff and get back to a bit of good old electric blues and start thinking about the next album. There’s some ideas floating around my head including perhaps reforming the old Blues Merchants?

This is a song about people messing with your head, manipulating you – that sort of thing.

Right click here to download this track

Here’s the lyrics :

You tell me one thing then you do another
I never know what you mean
What do you want?
What do you need me to do?
The things you say don’t make no sense

Make up your mind stop sitting on the fence
Is what you’re telling me really what you meant?
Let’s be clear. Let’s cut the crap
Do you think maybe we can do that?
Stop playing silly games with my head

Head games – Wadda ya mean?
Head games – never what they seem

What are your plans – does anybody know
Do you wanna stay here or do you wanna go?
Leaning to the left or leaning to the right
If it’s out of mind then it’s out of sight
Give in gracefully or put up a fight

Head games – messing with my head
Head games – can’t figure what you said

Can’t trust a politician to mean what they say
They screw anybody just to get their way
You’ll never guess what on their minds
You’ll never know until you’re outta time
Head games – playing all the time
Head games!


Filed under Blues