Dire Christmas (No Christmas Cheer Here)

Every year at about this time, I do a Christmas song and my friend Dioclese puts a video to it. It’s become a sort of traditional thing so I can’t get out of it now!

So this year’s Christmas turkey is my rewriting of Dire Straits ‘Sultans of Swing’ which is a favourite of mine and one I’ve often fancied having a crack at. Why not sing along or play it at your party? It might raise a laugh or two.

Where’s the Ferrero Rocher?
Where’s the Quality Street?
Where’s me box of Twiglets?
And where’s me choccy treat?
Christmas ain’t the same no more
Without those Cheesy Balls
The magic has gone out of it
Where’s me Christmas drink?

There’s loadsa surplus turkey
There’s fuck all on the box
The kids all stayed home again
They’re such a selfish lot
We’ll had our dinner on our own
Like we did last year
It’s the same on Boxing Day
No Christmas cheer here!

The Pope’s been on the telly
Preaching peace and love
But we didn’t bother listening
‘cos it’s all a load of guff
Nobody gives a toss for us
They made that very plain
So next year they can all get stuffed
‘cos I’m getting on a plane

The weather’s crap in England
It’s a grey old Christmas time
So we’re off somewhere sunny
Where there’s all inclusive wine
We might be there with strangers
Who couldn’t give a toss
We might not be with family
But frankly that’s their loss!

Ain’t no Christmas
Ain’t no Christmas cheer here…

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